Closing the Distance
by Daneofspades
Summary: Shepard and the allied races end the war, but Kaidan is left with nothing at all. He confessed to Shepard on the Citadel, but his Commander didn't feel the same way. Kaidan tries to get Shepard to like him, but it's more complicated than he thinks. The Krogan are on the warpath after the genophage is cured, and Kaidan and Shepard have to find a way to make it through.
1. Back in the Fight

**A/N: The Citadel and the Mass Relays are not destroyed in the final battle, and Shepard faces off with Harbinger instead of killing himself with the Crucible (simple explanation I know, hopefully I can clear some things up later).**

* * *

Chapter 1

Back in the Fight

"_I'd die for you Shepard, you know that." _

_ "It's just not that simple, Kaidan, I have my job and you have yours."_

_ "At least take me with you. You know I can fight, let me help you."_

_ "Stay here Kaidan, that's an order."_

* * *

"Kaidan, are you okay? You've hardly touched your food." Kaidan blinked and looked over at June, his fork twirling haphazardly between his fingers. When he realized he had been staring down at a knot in the wooden table, Kaidan straightened up and put the fork back on his plate.

"Sorry," he said with a sigh, "I was just… thinking." He smiled apologetically at her, but it was a halfhearted gesture. Unsure of what to say, he ruffled his hair with his hand and took a drink of water the waiter had just refilled.

June reached across the table suddenly and grabbed his hand, causing Kaidan to raise his eyebrows at her. "Kaidan, if this is too awkward for you, I'd be happy to leave. Liara told me you might not be up for it."

Kaidan tried his best to act nonchalant, and he put his hand on top of hers, reassuring her that it was fine and he appreciated the company. Jane was a beautiful woman, and he could tell that she was interested in him, but he couldn't bring himself to feel like it was going to go anywhere. Liara had noticed that he had kept to himself lately, and she had set him up with a few dates in the hope he could distract himself. Kaidan hadn't told her the real reason he was depressed, he figured she thought it was the aftermath of the war, but he was thankful she was trying so hard to find him someone. With that thought in mind, Kaidan reached down and took another bite of his steak, making small talk with June about the upcoming Blasto movie.

They finished their dinner on a happier note, and June even asked him if he would like to go see the new movie when it came out. He figured that it wouldn't hurt and promised her that he would go with her opening day. The night had been enjoyable, after all, but as they approached his apartment on the Citadel Kaidan began to feel the awkward rippling back into their date.

"It was really great meeting you Kaidan," June said, turning around to face him. Kaidan gulped and looked off into the distance, choosing to focus on a red mailbox across the street. Before he could react, Jane stood on her toes and kissed him on the cheek, her face completely relaxed as she did. "I can't wait for that Blasto movie!" She smiled at him fully and walked off his steps, waving back at him as she turned onto the sidewalk. Kaidan waved back at her with a smile, but he frowned as he got his key out of his pocket, thinking that the date might not have been the best idea after all.

"I'll just tell her tomorrow," Kaidan muttered under his breath before inserting the card into his door and opening it. "Hey Liara."

Liara was laying casually on his sofa in a white evening dress, drinking a glass of wine and listening to some music. "It makes me worried that you're expecting me," she said, smiling at him and sitting up. "How did it go with Jane?"

Kaidan shrugged off his jacket and joined her on the opposite sofa, pouring himself a glass of wine. "You tell me, Shadow Broker."

Liara looked offended, but Kaidan could tell she was just playing with him. "Shadow Brokers don't waste time and resources following around a lonely Spectre," she said. "I'm being serious, how did it go? She's very pretty."

Kaidan shrugged and looked over at his fish tank sadly. "She was fine, I just-" Kaidan struggled to find the right words, "wasn't interested."

Liara leaned over the coffee table and scrutinized him closely, her blue eyes boring into him. Kaidan avoided her gaze by taking a sip of wine but when he looked back she was still staring at him. "What?" he said, annoyed. Liara flashed him an evil grin. "Do I have to set you up with a guy, Alenko?"

Kaidan turned beet red and nearly spilled his wine with his reaction. "Wh-where did you get that idea from?" he stammered. Liara winked knowingly and got up, heading into his kitchen. "Liara!" Kaidan shouted after her before following her into the kitchen.

"Are you telling me that it isn't true, Kaidan?" she said, rummaging around in his refrigerator. Kaidan glared at her as she glanced back at him, a constant smile gracing her cobalt lips. "Of course it isn't true," Kaidan said, growling at her.

Liara sighed heavily as she pulled out a piece of cake for herself. "It's been eight dates now Kaidan, we need to talk." She offered him a slice but Kaidan still stood stark still, staring at her and biting his lower lip. "There's nothing wrong with me Liara, I'm fine. It's not like you have anyone either." He immediately regretted saying it but she didn't seem to mind.

"Kaidan," Liara said, looking at him over the counter. "When are you going to trust me?"

The question took him off guard. Liara was one of his best friends; they'd known each other for years and even had some of the same interests. "I'm not sure I know what you mean," he said, trying hard to sound sincere.

Liara just huffed at him and stalked back to the sofa, cake in tow. Kaidan followed her reluctantly, wishing that this conversation could take a more pleasant turn. When he sat down, she jabbed her fork at him and said, "No more playing nice, Kaidan. No offense, but you aren't as secretive as you think. I saw your picture of Shepard on your night stand two weeks ago, time to come clean with me."

Kaidan squirmed under her stare but remained defensive. "Shepard is a great friend; we've been through a lot together. Why can't I have a little picture of him to commemorate that?" He bit his lip again, hoping that Liara wouldn't notice the lack of conviction in his voice.

Instead, she laughed in his face. "Oh come on Liara," Kaidan said, pouting. "How can one little picture mean anything?"

She took a bite of cake while she tried to stop sniggering and managed to force it down with a cough. "Are you forgetting who I am? Besides, everyone knows you've been interested in Shepard since the moment you met him."

Kaidan opened his mouth for a retort but Liara silenced him immediately. "I've seen the way you look at him and I've done my research. Admit it and we can get to my real question."

Kaidan looked long and hard at Liara, but her face didn't reveal everything. He knew what she said was perfectly true, but he had a hard time admitting it after everything that happened between them. He thought he had a chance with Shepard, that maybe Shepard cared enough about him to give him that chance.

Every date he'd gone on since they defeated the Reapers he had thought about Shepard. The closest thing Kaidan could compare it with was that Kaidan was cheating on him. None of the people he'd met had seemed right. Sure, he'd had a couple of girlfriends before the war, but Shepard shattered his earlier convictions. Admittedly, the reason none of them had a chance was because none of them were Shepard.

"Ok Liara, fine, you caught me. Can you please leave now?"

Satisfied with her screening of him, she sat back on the sofa and took a long draught of her wine. "No," she said matter-of-factly. "What are you going to do about him?"

"Well," Kaidan said gloomily. "I already told him how I feel, back on the Citadel when we were still fighting that crazy war." Kaidan sank back in the sofa and stared up at the ceiling as he talked. "He wanted to keep things… professional." He spat out the last word like it was a curse and buried himself in his glass, not trusting himself to look at Liara.

She contemplated for a moment and shook her head at him. "I already know about that Kaidan," she said, ignoring his affronted grunt. "I was asking what you were going to do about it now."

"You knew about that the whole time and you still set me up with seven women?" Kaidan shook his head, disbelieving. "I thought I knew you, Liara."

"Eight, actually," she said calmly. "I thought you could move on, honestly. I didn't know you cared about him this much." She gave him warm smile and popped another piece of cake in her mouth.

"You love torturing me, don't you Liara." Kaidan tried to look mad at her but couldn't help smiling at her attitude and what she had tried to do for him. Liara broke through his shell so quickly he couldn't help but feel like she planned everything out beforehand. Knowing Liara, she definitely did.

"Now," Liara said, dusting off her hands of any remaining cake bits. "Tell me how you are going to go about seducing the great Commander Shepard."

"Liara!" Kaidan said, but by now it was less of angry yell than a playful chastisement. She continued to bore into him with her gaze, however, and Kaidan sighed. "I don't know, Liara. He made it pretty clear before."

"Make him like you," she said simply.

This time it was Kaidan's turn to laugh but he stopped when he saw that she was being quite serious. "You make it sound so easy."

"You make it sound so difficult." Kaidan raised his eyebrows at her but she waved him away and switched sides of the sofa so she was sitting next to him. She placed her wine carefully on the marble table and grabbed both of his hands, placing hers on top of them.

"You're special Kaidan, and if you show him how much you care about him he's bound to feel something too."

"I don't know Liara, what if I make it worse?" He had considered this possibility many times, especially because when he had confessed to Shepard before he felt he had lost a piece of their friendship.

"Enough with the 'I don't know Liara's,' you have to stop doubting yourself or you won't make it anywhere." She let go of his hands and walked over to her personal data pad, scanning through its database. She evidently found what she was looking for and went back to Kaidan happily.

"Shepard has a meeting with Primarch Vakarian at noon this Saturday. Afterwards, he and his subordinates will have lunch out on the promenade of Zakera Ward level ten. I want you to go there and meet with Shepard, but it wouldn't hurt to try and associate with Garrus first."

"Is that all?" Kaidan said, apprehensive but excited at the same time.

"No, I want you to wear these," Liara said, pulling out a pair of black slacks and a formal alliance uniform.

"Liara I do own formal clothes," Kaidan said, exasperated.

She stared him down again, and with all serious said "These will show off your ass better. Bend over. A lot." Kaidan couldn't help but burst into laughter at the thought of Liara wanting to show off his 'assets' (as she called them), but it was with a cheerful heart that he said goodbye to her. Knowing that Liara truly cared about him, enough to set all this up, made his mouth crinkle in joy, but he was still anxious about his upcoming meeting with Shepard. Since the end of the war he hadn't seen him much, and he hoped it was just because of the politics.

They had talked late into the night, and it was with heavy eyes that Kaidan hung up his new clothes and fell into bed. He chanced one more glance at his picture of Shepard and looked up the stars through his window, thinking that he might have a chance after all.

That night he dreamed of Shepard. For the first time in a long time, it was a pleasant dream.


	2. Conflict and Calibrations

Chapter 2

Conflict and Calibrations

Shepard felt the surge of biotic energy around him and charged fiercely at the practice dummy in front of him. He crashed into it with incredible force and it flew off of its metal post, flying into the wall and severely denting it. Shepard let the hum of energy around him fade and went to go pick up the practice dummy. It was the fourth one he had broken in five minutes.

"Looks like you've still got it, Shepard."

Shepard grabbed the broken metal and turned around, smiling knowingly. "It's not something that leaves in a hurry. It's good to see you Garrus, but why are you here? We have a summit with the Krogan noon tomorrow."

Garrus calmly walked into the training room, surveying the destruction Shepard had caused. "I decided to check up on an old friend," Garrus said simply, sitting at a small table in the corner that was littered with datapads. "Comparing is more like it," Shepard teased, joining Garrus at the dingy table.

"How is being the Primarch suiting you?"

"I would get the same answer asking you how being a councilmember is going." Shepard grimaced and looked down at the datapads. They were all chock-full of information about the coming summit, and the politics of it all was overwhelming.

"I haven't seen any action for nearly a year, and that was just clearing out a leftover ravager nest in the lower wards," Shepard said, his fingers itching for a good rifle to fill them.

"Looks like you have me beat, Shepard. But still, since I was made the Primarch, I haven't even touched a gun. My Mantis still never leaves my bedside though."

"Politics," they both grumbled under their breath.

They both stared across the practice room, trying not to think about their situations.

"It's hard to believe that in just one day the war will have been over for a year," Garrus said. "Drinks?" Shepard waved him on, and Garrus signaled for one of his assistants to bring over a beer for Shepard and a muddled brown drink for their Primarch. "I shouldn't be complaining about peace, but I still miss it. Fighting for the galaxy, shooting Reapers right and left, it was a dream come true for me."

"For the both of us," Shepard said with a nod. "Too bad everything's in ruins, even half of the Citadel is gone."

"We build and we break, we just have to learn to build again."

"Poetic Garrus," Shepard said sniggering.

"Do you regret anything Shepard? When you knew you were going to die?"

Shepard looked down, swirling his beer and taking a sip. His eyes turned hollow and he spoke softly, remembering. "When I saw Harbinger in front of me, I knew I was dead. I was the only one left, how could I not be? Everything I should've done, but was too stupid or too cautious to do…. I've seen my life flash before my eyes too many times to count, but that day I saw everything I could've been, not everything I was. I realized that I wasn't really happy."

Garrus paused and put his drink down, looking carefully over at Shepard. "Are you happy now?" he asked.

Shepard looked up, puzzled. "No," he said quietly.

"But you could be."

Shepard stared long and hard at Garrus, trying to read his expression. The Turian winked at him slyly. "Kaidan Alenko ring a bell?"

"Like he-," Shepard began angrily, but realized his mistake and very quickly tried to act nonchalant, his elbow slipping off the table in the process.

"Oh please continue," Garrus said, baring his teeth in a half-smile.

"I haven't seen Kaidan in three months Garrus, what are you playing at?"

"Yeah but that's not your fault, it's his isn't it," Garrus said, turning his smile into a predatory glare. Shepard was confused; Garrus had never acted this way when mentioning Kaidan. Just how much did he know?

"He's been spending so much time with those girlfriends of his, and Liara is always by his side these days." Shepard glared at him, hiding his hurt expression behind a mask of anger.

"Get out, Garrus." His friend didn't budge, however, and instead stood up, looming over the table at him. "No longer teammates. Looks like it's no longer friends, too."

"How exactly is this supposed to make me happy, Garrus?" Shepard was up and yelling at Garrus now, all pretense removed from their conversation.

"I'm just wondering what the hell is wrong with you Shepard," Garrus growled, pointing an accusing finger at him. "When was the last time you backed down from anything?" One of Garrus' assistants had tried to enter the room but the Primarch held up a hand and shoved them back out, closing the door behind them.

"This is different," Shepard said, trying to convince himself to believe it. "I've been busy, he's been busy…"

"Give me break, Shepard. What are you afraid of, exactly? That you'll get too attached right before he gets killed? That it'll distract you from your mission? What the fuck is it going to be this time Shepard?"

Shepard sat down, hard, on a training mat. Garrus just glowered at him, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

Kaidan was… what was Kaidan anymore? Garrus was right, Shepard thought to himself, what was holding him back now? But Kaidan wasn't interested in him anymore; how could he be after Shepard had denied him again and again? He was seeing other women, he preferred Liara's company to his these days. In truth, Shepard was afraid the same thing would happen to him, but this time it would be Kaidan crushing his heart to bits time and time again. Shepard could see how Kaidan would have been affected, it was no wonder he had been avoiding his commander.

"I don't know," Shepard said so quietly Garrus could barely hear it. Shepard could feel the confliction and pain in his voice, and a slight burning had begun to form in the corners of his eyes. "Please, Garrus."

"I invited him to the anniversary party after the summit. Maybe you can get your act together by then."

Shepard waited for more, but when he looked behind him Garrus had already left, the door wide open in his leave. Shepard cringed, not allowing himself to succumb to his emotions. He gathered his things and left the room, his thoughts a flurry around him. At least he was going to see Kaidan tomorrow. Screw the implications.

* * *

Shepard leaned against the side of the wall in his councilman clothes, breathing deeply and trying not to draw much attention to himself. He had decided the night before that it was worth the risk to try something more with Kaidan. He had faced worse odds before hadn't he? If the cards fell out of suit then not much would change.

Shepard kicked himself mentally. It wasn't worth trying to over think something like this. Talk to Kaidan and see if anything happens. Other than that, it was out of his control.

"No more excuses," he muttered to himself.

He could see Liara approaching him out of the corner of his eye and Shepard tried to strike up a conversation with the Turian next to him. It worked for a moment before Liara took his hand and dragged him to a table, forcing him to sit down.

"I was talking to," Shepard struggled with the words. "Turnok," he said, falling on a random name. "Over there. That wasn't very nice, Liara."

"Kaidan said he hadn't seen you in awhile, it must be nice getting to see him again." Shepard narrowly avoided rolling his eyes; right to the point as always.

"Is he here at the meeting?" Shepard asked casually.

Liara narrowed her eyes at him. "No, but I invited him to the after party. It should give you two a chance to catch up." She put extra emphasis on the last two words and sat back in her chair, watching him closely for his response. It looked like Garrus and Liara were in on this together, but Shepard didn't understand why Liara of all people would be pushing for Shepard to talk to Kaidan.

"Sounds great, Liara," Shepard said quickly before standing up. "Looks like the summit's about to start, I'll talk to you later, ok?" Before Liara could respond Shepard left the table and entered the council chambers. He let out a sigh of relief when he saw that the room was slowly filling and took his seat next to councilor Tevos. She quickly acknowledged him and struck up a conversation about Thessia and how poorly the reconstruction effort was going.

"Yeah," Shepard said, distracted by Garrus' sudden entrance into the chamber. "Earth isn't going great either, but we're doing our best." Shepard tried to catch his friend's eye as he sat down further along the table, but the Turian was clearly avoiding him and Shepard cursed Tevos silently as she went on about their contaminated water supply.

Shepard sighed and gave her his full attention, explaining that London was up and running, but the rest of Earth's cities were still in shambles.

When the last member of the summit took their seat, Wrex stood and made his way to the platform. Shepard and Tevos raised their eyes at the break in protocol but were silenced as Wrex surveyed the room.

"This… Summit," Wrex said with a low growl, "Was intended to discuss how the Krogan would more 'actively participate' in the reconstruction of council space. I am here to let the Citadel realize that this is not our intent."

Whispers spread throughout the room and Tevos eyed Shepard fearfully, her hands clenched tightly around her chair.

"For too long the Krogan have been on their knees at the expense of the council, but the genophage is no more." Wrex eyed the crowd, a glint in his eye as he kept them in growing terror. "I'd like to thank Commander Shepard personally for allowing such a miracle to take place."

Shepard gulped, too late realizing the direction of Wrex's address. The Krogan had just made him public enemy number one, and he held his gaze on his former Krogan friend to prevent the other summit members from catching his eye. Before he could think more on the subject, Wrex held up his arms and the other Krogan in the chamber stood.

"We are growing stronger every day. Our young are surviving; our planet is regaining its former glory."

Despite himself, Shepard inspected the room in a rush, hoping that a Krogan female was present at the summit; specifically Eve. His face fell, the room was full of males, their hulking figures bearing down on the rest of the council races.

"You, however," Wrex said with a manic grin, "Are struggling to stay alive."

Wrex signaled to the two Krogan flanking him and they pulled out a flag bearing the colors of the planet Tuchanka. The grunts quickly assembled the flag behind Wrex and returned to his side, smiling just as gruesomely as their leader.

"These are our demands."

As Wrex went over his plans for domination of council space and their resources, Shepard glanced carefully in the corners of the room.

"_Where in god's name is security?"_ he thought.

Wrex kept eyeing the councilors menacingly and Shepard couldn't help but notice as a team of Krogan assembled behind their chairs.

Figuring that Wrex and his allies had likely disposed of the guards, Shepard looked over at Garrus, hoping that the Turian would acknowledge him. Despite their previous argument, Garrus was staring at him, also trying to communicate with him. Shepard nodded to him and glanced to his right and to Garrus' left. Hopefully Garrus understood him; they had to get the council members out safely.

Taking a deep breath, Shepard casually extended three fingers out onto the table, lifting them up one by one. When he had one finger left on the table, he surged blue and looked at Garrus pointedly. He could only hope that he understood him.

In a flash of blue light, Shepard grabbed councilor Tevos and charged the two Krogan guarding the door, roughly picking up the Salarian councilor on his way. With a cacophonous boom Shepard pounded into the guards and splintered the wood of the door, the force of his tackle carrying him into the hallway outside. Without looking to see if Garrus or any other Krogan were following him, Shepard sprinted around the corner and into the courtyard of Citadel tower, the two councilors hanging limply beneath him. He found the door to Garrus' Primarch quarters and sealed the door behind him, panting heavily.

He placed the two council members carefully on one of the sofas scattered around the room and took point against the door, his ears straining to pick up any noise from the outside.

"Shepard," Garrus said calmly as he swiped his key and entered the room. Shepard flared blue again and looked outside, checking to see if Garrus had been followed. When he reentered, door sealed behind him, Garrus had set down Velarn and was scanning his computer.

"That was unexpected," Garrus said with a chuckle.

"What in god's name is wrong with Wrex?" Shepard said angrily. "I cured the genophage to help move his people onto a better path, not to dominate the council."

"Interesting, him mentioning you like he did, especially since he tried to kill you right afterwards." Garrus still pored over his computer, a hand on his chin in thought. "Maybe it was to avoid making you into a martyr. Give the council no hope to form against him."

"That's why he was trying to kill the councilors?" Shepard said, lost in thought. "To give us no leadership?" Leaders were important, sure, but not important enough to start a war with every other race in the galaxy.

"Look at what _you_ did, Shepard." Garrus had a point, but Shepard just leaned against the wall, mulling the situation over in his mind.

"Shit, Shepard, you had better take a look at this." Garrus moved aside and let Shepard look at the screen, a news report flashing across the top of the device.

Breaking News: The Vorcha have confirmed their support of the Krogan insurgency. After the species declared dominance of council space at the Krogan summit just minutes ago, clan leader K'vakk pledged allegiance to the cause, dedicating troops to back the new Krogan government. Repeat: the Krogan have declared war against council space.

Shepard paled as he read the bulletin. The Krogan were moving quickly if the Vorcha were getting involved.

"Any ideas, Garrus?" Shepard said, wracking his brain for some of his own.

"What about Earth?" Garrus said confidently, pacing around the room. "You said that London was fully rebuilt, it's the only council city that could properly hide the councilors. I'm betting that keeping them on the Citadel would only get them killed."

"You think the entire Citadel, well I guess half of the Citadel," Shepard said, correcting himself, "Could be overtaken by the Krogan?"

"No, but I'm not willing to risk it." Garrus quickly turned on his omnitool and spoke into the receiver softly while Shepard went back to the door, making sure that no one would break in.

About ten minutes later Garrus finally turned off his device and joined Shepard against the door.

"I told my men and whatever council race I could contact to move into the outer wings of the Citadel. Hopefully they can set up a temporary defense before the Krogan get there."

"We're really going back to war, aren't we?" Shepard said, sighing.

"It's not all bad," Garrus said, walking over to him and putting a hand on Shepard's shoulder. "I hear the Normandy is docking."

Shepard started at looked up at Garrus, shocked. "Since when has Joker been on your contact list?" Shepard said, grinning from ear to ear.

"Ever since the bastard got EDI to hack my omnitool," Garrus said, smirking back at him. "Who could've thought that it would come in handy?"

Garrus went over to a cabinet and pulled out an Avenger and a couple of pistols, tossing one of the small weapons at Shepard as he did. "God that feels good," Shepard heard Garrus mutter under his breath.

"I always hoped I would get to open that thing," Garrus said, pointing back at the cabinet door. On his way back to the door, Garrus grabbed councilor Velarn and hoisted him over his back, Shepard doing the same to Tevos and the Salarian.

"Classic Shepard/Vakarian, busting out the councilors in high alert," Shepard said and glared at Garrus. "You ready for this, Primarch?"

"Councilor," Garrus teased back, gesturing at the door controls.

Shepard took a deep breath, feeling the adrenaline rushing through him. "Time to make some war!" Shepard shouted, and blasted the door open with his pistol.

* * *

**A/N: I did my best with the conflict between Garrus and Shepard, let me know if any of it didn't make sense so I can do better in the future. No disclaimers though. Hope you liked it!**


	3. Gathering

**A/N: Sorry if you don't like fluffy stories, but it's my favorite way of writing. It makes everything seem a lot more purposed. Things get a little interesting in this chapter, though. Also, I didn't know that the site's default blocked anonymous reviews, but now you can if you want. No spam, please!**

Chapter 3

Gathering

Kaidan pulled uncomfortably at his collar for the fourth time in a row, the fabric a little too tight for his liking. The pants that Liara had given him were, as promised, very revealing, but they were so restricting that he felt like a robot when he walked. Kaidan sighed, hoping that whatever he was trying to do was for the best.

The view on the presidium was almost back to its spectacular standards, and since Kaidan was going to be early to the anniversary party he decided to stop and look at some of the shops lining the avenue. More of them had popped up since the end of the war and he smiled, noting the increase in civilian shops and the decrease in arms dealing.

A few women were looking at him from where they were sitting in the courtyard and he grinned at them, waving happily. He couldn't help himself, he was so excited to see Shepard that he didn't care about anything else. Kaidan couldn't believe that it had been three months since he had seen his commander; it had felt like a lifetime.

Kaidan shook himself. He had been over this; he was putting himself out there no matter what had happened since the war. Steeling himself, he back-tracked until he was standing in front of a brand new flower shop that he had passed on his way to the party. He looked over the flowers, telling himself that the gesture was all that mattered, and that it wouldn't be too overwhelming to give flowers to an old friend.

The lady running the shop looked him over and came up to him, smiling a little too sweetly for his liking.

"Hi there, looking to buy something for a special someone?"

"More like an old friend," Kaidan said absentmindedly, running his hands over the counter nervously. A lot of the flowers in the shop were too flashy and fake, nothing that Shepard would appreciate.

"Good to hear," the woman said, letting her auburn hair fall out of the constriction of the bun she had put it in. Kaidan pulled at his collar again, lost in thought about the appropriateness of his gift.

"Do you have anything from Earth?" Kaidan said, leaning onto the counter, one of the buttons on his collar popping out of place as he did. "Home grown, I mean, nothing from the Citadel."

The woman reddened slightly but Kaidan didn't notice; he was too busy poring over a catalogue of the shop's wares. "I'll check in the back, we might have gotten some rose hybrids shipped earlier in the week." Kaidan raised his eyes at her swinging hips as she walked away but decided not to comment.

When the woman came back she looked flustered but was holding a bundle of red and black-hybrid roses tied in a bouquet. Kaidan gasped at the coloring and inhaled deeply, his eyelashes fluttering slightly at the smell. The woman's flushed deepened at his reaction.

"Wow," he said, open mouthed, "You have no idea how perfect these are. How much are they?" Kaidan began to open his wallet but his card slipped out, falling onto the floor.

"Sorry about that," Kaidan apologized, leaning over to retrieve the card. Kaidan inhaled suddenly, realizing that his outfit was constricting his lungs. He was gasping for breath as he put the card on the table, cursing Liara. How was he supposed to show himself off to Shepard if he couldn't breathe doing it?

"On the house, just for you," said the woman; she was strangely out of breath as well.

"Thanks," Kaidan said, putting his card back in his wallet. As he looked back at her, he couldn't help his eyes sliding down to her breasts, her zipper pulled down much farther than it should've been. "A lot," he added before grabbing the flowers and rushing off the avenue, hiding his eyes and not willing himself to look back at the store.

When he finally made it out of sight of the shop, he leaned up against a wall and sunk down, ashamed. How could he not realize what he was doing? Sure it had been unintentional, but it was his fault for not noticing. Kaidan looked down and re-buttoned his collar, kicking himself for leading her on like he did. She probably even thought that he had dropped his credit card intentionally. His face paled. And now she thought Kaidan had been trying to weasel his way into getting some free flowers.

Kaidan burst out laughing despite himself, causing passers-by to stare at him curiously. The ridiculousness of the situation had him sniggering within seconds, imagining how Shepard would react to him flirting his way into free flowers, of all things.

"Shit. Shepard," he said out loud, glancing at his omnitool. He was running out of time, but there was one more thing he wanted to get for the Sprectre.

A few moments later Kaidan had tucked the package into a bag and thanked the shopkeeper. He had actually paid this time.

It was about twenty minutes before the party officially started, but he wanted to get there early so he could meet Liara and hopefully talk to Garrus.

Kaidan's omnitool started beeping – just a message from one of his biotic students – and he silenced it, making sure he wouldn't be distracted during the party. He pulled the bag's handle through his arm and carefully arranged the flowers in his hands, pressing the elevator button as he did. When it came, Kaidan entered the small room, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet. He supposed he was more anxious than nervous, but the butterflies wouldn't stop fluttering around his stomach.

"It's only Shepard," he told himself. "You have nothing to worry about. You've known him for years; it'll only make it worse if you don't commit to this." Kaidan took a deep breath as the elevator opened and stepped out into the Council Tower.

_He'll like you, he'll like you, he'll like you,_ Kaidan kept repeating in his mind, walking around the corner to where the party was going to take place.

"It's only…" A large crash echoed in front of him, dust pouring out of the hole that had been blasted in the wall. Kaidan narrowed his eyes. "Shepard?"

Kaidan stood in the middle of the hallway, dumbfounded, as Shepard and Garrus sprinted out of the newly created hole and rushed toward him. Kaidan's confusion deepened as he saw the three unconscious councilors they had propped on their shoulders. He couldn't imagine how he looked to the pair of them, flowers in hand and dressed to impress.

Kaidan was about to shout to them as they grew closer, but his shout changed to a strangled yell as three Krogan appeared behind them, armed to the teeth. Kaidan quickly ducked behind a low wall, his mind reeling and his heart pounding. Shortly afterward Shepard and Garrus joined him, using covering fire to drive the Krogan into a position behind a souvenir shop.

"What the hell is going on?" Kaidan yelled frantically, his hands over his head as more bullets whizzed by.

Garrus set down councilor Velarn and shot a few more rounds at the Krogan, shattering the glass of the shop. When he went back into cover he was smiling happily at Kaidan, his mandibles shifting in what Kaidan assumed was suppressed laughter.

"Good to see you again, Kaidan, how have things been?" Kaidan glared at him, however, and the Turian sighed. "Wrex is on the warpath. Ever since Shepard cured the genophage his people have been growing stronger. They're taking advantage of the reconstruction period." Garrus gestured mildly back at the Krogan, and Kaidan noticed that both he and Shepard were still wearing civilian clothes. "You going to help with this or I am going to have to take a few more bullets to the face?"

"Yeah, sorry," Kaidan said, trying to wrap his head around the situation. Shepard had given the Krogan a chance for a better life, why were they wasting it? It didn't feel right to him, and Kaidan couldn't help but feel that there was more going on than they thought.

Setting his gifts carefully on the ground, Kaidan pulled up a biotic barrier around himself and lifted one of the Krogan out of the shop, grunting with the strain. Shepard had been resolutely ignoring Kaidan's presence since he arrived, but he nonetheless detonated the field Kaidan had created, sending the Krogan flying into its teammates. Garrus finished off the last one with a well placed shot to the head and the trio was finally able to take a breather.

To his surprise, Shepard turned to look at him and smiled, though the gesture seemed almost forced. "It's good to have you back on the team, Kaidan," Shepard said with a nod. "We… work well together," he managed to say, his expression unreadable.

"I think we should get to somewhere a little safer, Shepard," Garrus said, picking up Velarn and handing the Salarian councilor to Kaidan. Shepard nodded, but looked questioningly at Kaidan as he noticed the flowers.

"Who are these for?"

Kaidan swallowed, the adrenaline in his system doing nothing to slow his heart down. "You, actually," he said with a smile he hoped was genuine. "I hadn't seen you in awhile and," Kaidan shoved his hands firmly in his pockets. "I thought you might like them. N7 colored."

Kaidan thought he looked like an idiot standing there, grinning sheepishly at his commander. Shepard just stared at them, frozen, but Kaidan could swear that he saw a glint in his eyes. He did not, however, expect Shepard to look around him suddenly, the glint turning into a hint of fear.

"Thanks," Shepard said, not unkindly, before promptly throwing them in the nearest garbage can. Kaidan's heart fell to the floor, rejection swimming in his eyes. Garrus growled low and angry next to him, but Kaidan could hardly hear it, his ears ringing.

"I really can't carry them, though, and neither can you." Kaidan bit his lip, building up all of his composure to not reach over and punch Shepard in the face. It may have looked like Shepard was thinking only about the mission, but Kaidan understood the message. A hard stone formed in his stomach; the flowers buried beneath a mound of rotting trash.

As Kaidan turned away toward the elevator, he didn't catch the pain in Shepard's eyes, or notice that Garrus had picked up his other present and tucked it discreetly into his pocket.

During the elevator ride up to the docking bay Kaidan didn't say a word, keeping his emotions masked and staring blankly at the door. Shepard and Garrus' conversation swept over him like ocean waves over the sand, and when they stepped out the door and into the Presidium, Kaidan was so emotionally numb that he didn't even notice where they were.

The pair had already stepped off the elevator and were running towards a set of apartments before Kaidan's mind shifted gears. He gritted his teeth with determination and set off after them, recalling something in the elevator about rescuing Liara.

During the mission, Kaidan was a perfect subordinate. He did what he was told and fought hard when he had to, but everything felt fake and entirely too robotic. When they finally got to Liara, who had run off from the meeting to get her Shadow Broker equipment, Kaidan wasn't thinking at all, he was simply moving with the waves.

It wasn't until Liara shook him, hard, that he managed to look her in the eyes.

"What's wrong with Kaidan?" Liara asked, looking at Garrus and Shepard accusingly.

"Nothing Liara," Kaidan said mutely. "I'm going after Shepard." His commander was already back on the move surveying the Presidium, gun raised. Liara gave Garrus a questioning look behind his back, but Kaidan dismissed it and ran after Shepard.

His commander nodded coolly at him and motioned for Kaidan to fall in line next to him. The four of them regrouped and were almost at the elevator when it opened, revealing four Vorcha, their teeth bared in ugly snarls. Without warning, the pack leader leaped at Shepard snarling, sinking its fangs into his shoulder, claws gouging deep into his torso.

"Shepard!" Kaidan yelled, losing his composure completely. Without hesitation Kaidan took the Vorcha into his hands and smashed him biotically into the elevator doors, repeating his beating until the Vorcha was nothing more than a bloody carcass in his hands. His eyes flaring with rage, Kaidan shoved Liara aside and grabbed two more Vorcha, throwing them carelessly off of the Presidium balcony. Garrus had taken care of the last one but Kaidan was already rushing over to Shepard, who was bleeding profusely on the floor, moaning.

Shepard was more injured than he had ever seen him and he cursed their lack of proper equipment. Not willing himself to look at Garrus and Liara, Kaidan deftly picked the commander up and punched in the button to Huerta, not waiting to see if the others had made it into the elevator.

"No good," Garrus said calmly, instead telling the elevator to go up to the docking bay. Kaidan looked at him questioningly, but Garrus gave him a look that told him all he needed to know.

When the elevator finally opened he sprinted over to the Normandy's docking bay, cradling Shepard in his arms to try and avoid worsening his pain. He prayed that Joker had made it in time and nearly collapsed with gratitude when the bay doors opened.

As they sat there in decontamination, Kaidan furious for how slow it was taking, Shepard opened his eyes and stared intently at Kaidan. His striking blue eyes were unmoving, gazing at Kaidan with a determination he had only rarely seen.

"I am…" Shepard coughed, blood spurting out his mouth and onto his chest, "So sorry, Kaidan." Shepard let the word hover on the air before he closed his eyes and went limp in Kaidan's arms.

For one awful moment, Kaidan's heart stopped. Time seemed to move in slow motion as he placed his hand on Shepard's neck, trying to read a pulse.

"Please," Kaidan whispered, his forehead resting softly on Shepard's. "Please be there."

A soft thump brushed against Kaidan's fingertips and everything fell back in motion, Liara and Garrus firmly shoving people out of the way as they made their way down to the Normandy's medical bay. Joker looked horrified as they passed, but wordlessly turned in his chair and guided the ship into the sky. The three councilors were left in a heap by the Normandy's airlock.

As it turned out, Chakwas was unavailable, and the only medical professional they had on board was an assistant doctor from the first Normandy. She knew enough to get Shepard out of the worst of his condition, but said that it would take a long time for him to heal.

After Kaidan dropped Shepard off in the medical bay, he refused to leave his side, even during the surgery. Kaidan couldn't stand the look in Shepard's eyes when thought he was going to die, and Kaidan felt like it was his job to make sure he stayed alive. They had a war coming; Commander Shepard wasn't going to die on his watch. And there were his own personal struggles with the thought of Shepard dying.

Joker had apparently plotted a course for London and the councilors were awake, wanting to speak to Shepard. When they came to the medical bay, Kaidan had literally kicked them out. Let them deal with their own damn problems for once.

The day after the incident, Kaidan was sitting in the medical ward, relieved that the surgery had gone well. He put his head in his hands and sighed, finally letting his shoulders drop and relax.

Dr. Umber had left the room to sleep, intrusting Kaidan to wake her up if anything happened. Kaidan didn't think he could've fallen asleep if he tried. The solid beeping of Shepard's heart monitor permeated the room, filling the silence at regular interviews.

Kaidan lifted his head and looked over at Shepard, relief on his face. "You always were a tough son of a bitch." With that Kaidan returned to his vigil, twiddling his thumbs in the pale light of the room.

To his surprise, Liara entered the room and went over to Shepard, a mixture of relief and sadness etched onto her face. "I guess he's going to be okay, then." Tears dotted her blue cheeks as she put a shaking hand on Shepard's right arm. She leaned down and muttered something to Shepard before walking over to Kaidan and sitting rigidly next to him.

"You smell awful," was her only comment. Kaidan was still wearing his dress clothes, and his entire front was red and slightly sticky with Shepard's blood. He wouldn't leave the med-bay, however, and Liara seemed to understand that. She opted not to say anything more to him and simply took his hand into her own, squeezing softly.

When Kaidan noticed her eyes starting to droop, he told her she should probably get some rest. It was clear she was unwilling to leave Shepard's side but she blinked as she looked back at Kaidan. She paused for a moment as she opened the door. "Take care of him, Kaidan."

Kaidan sat there for an hour, mulling things over, before calmly walking over to the door and locking it, returning to his chair afterward.

"I might not be able to sum up the courage to tell you this when you're awake, but that was just… too close." Kaidan swallowed and looked over at his commander. His breathing had returned to normal; that was good.

"Even back on the Citadel I wasn't able to say it. Not after Virmire, not after Ilos, not in the hospital after Mars, not even after the war." Kaidan smiled slightly, the first time since Shepard had been incapacitated.

"I love you, Shepard."

The rest of the night, Kaidan was silent.

* * *

The next morning, Kaidan unlocked the door and leaned up against the counter, his back cracking loudly from the change in position.

"_Kaidan, though I understand your reasoning behind locking the door last night, I would ask you not to do it again. If I had not warned Garrus of your actions he would have stormed the medical bay."_

Kaidan smiled and looked up at the ceiling. "It's good to see you too, EDI."

"_We are technically not making personal eye contact, but I appreciate the gesture, Major."_

"Did you happen to monitor Shepard's room last night?" Kaidan asked, ruffling his hair in embarrassment.

"_I did. Would you like to converse in regards to your affections for the Commander?" _

"Only if you have to," Kaidan said, reddening slightly.

"_It would give you a chance to change out of those clothes."_

Kaidan sighed in defeat. "Come on down, EDI."

He looked over in shock as the door to the room opened immediately, revealing EDI's mobile unit clutching a fresh uniform in her metal fingers.

"I am not completely aware of the social protocol, but I believe I should leave the room while you change." EDI handed him the clothes and walked out the door. To Kaidan's surprise, she didn't return.

"_I meant to leave you alone, Kaidan."_

"You don't have to tell me that EDI, but thanks."

No one else visited him for any extended period of time the rest of the day, and when night fell, the medical bay was silent again. Kaidan had been planning what he was going to say the entire day, and this time he dragged his chair to the side of Shepard's cot so they could be face to face.

"I know that it's stupid of me to think that what I say affects you at all, but it's always nice to have someone to talk to, right?" Kaidan laughed nervously despite himself. It had been three days since the incident and Shepard was starting to heal, bit by bit; Kaidan only hoped that he would return to consciousness soon.

"You've got yourself quite a few new scars to be proud of, Shepard," Kaidan said, tracing a line of stitches down his right side. "Good thing Umber said that your shoulder was going to be all right." Shepard's shoulder was a mess of gauze and dried blood caked around the wound, but like everything else about him, it was on the mend.

"Chakwas is still on the Citadel, but she sent the Normandy a message that she was okay and not to worry about her. She's part of the Alliance relief effort. Things are starting to get pretty bad over there. We're headed to London, like you wanted, but it's going to be about four days until we get there. You had better wake up soon, the Council are at everyone's throats. Garrus is… dealing with them, but he was in here yesterday asking Umber for a sedative."

Shepard grunted slightly and Kaidan looked up expectantly before laughing to himself. With a tender hand Kaidan closed Shepard's open mouth.

"Okay, well enough stalling on my part." Kaidan put his datapad on another stretcher and sat back down next to Shepard.

"I know you wouldn't want to hear this if you were awake, but I wanted to apologize for Horizon. I know I did before, but I didn't really explain myself very well." Kaidan swallowed, adjusting his chair slightly. When Kaidan had woken up in Huerta after being attacked on Mars, he was thankful to be alive. Shepard came only once before he was let out, and in that time Kaidan told them to put Cerberus behind them. It was a simple apology, but it seemed to have worked out a few of their issues.

"When I saw you back alive, standing there in front of me, moving and breathing, I didn't know what to think. I lost a part of myself when you died that I didn't know I had. My life was so empty after you left. The Normandy was gone, all of my friends had left, I was a shell of what I once was. But to see you standing there, like nothing had happened… it hurt Shepard, more than I let you think. And to learn that you were working with Cerberus? That the people that terrorized so many people were using you?" Kaidan frowned at the analogy.

"That's really what I thought, actually, that you were just a puppet. I didn't want anything to do with you, and it's my biggest regret that I wasn't there to help you. Sure, things are complicated between us." Kaidan deepened his frown but shook his head and forced himself to smile.

"Well, not really complicated, that's wishful thinking isn't it? I wish I knew you better Shepard, I really do. I can't help but think that everything went the way it did because of Horizon. I keep telling myself that it isn't my fault, but there's a nagging feeling in the back of my head that you don't trust me." Kaidan exhaled, his words spilling out of mouth so quickly he was panting.

"There, I said it. I don't think you trust me anymore." Kaidan scooted his chair forward and pressed his forehead into the cool metal of the stretcher. He wished that he could tell Shepard what had thrown them apart when he was awake, but it was difficult even now.

When Kaidan rejoined the crew of the Normandy after the coup on the Citadel, it didn't feel the same. Sure, Shepard talked to him sometimes and took him on a couple of missions, but that's all it was.

"I don't even think we're friends anymore," Kaidan said sadly. Back on the SR1, the two of them were friends, maybe even best friends. Shepard was a fellow biotic, and knew how Kaidan felt about being abused and sent to BAat to be isolated from the world. Shepard even opened up about Akuze the night before Ilos and Kaidan's eyes glistened at the memory, the trust that they had once shared.

"When you wake up, I'm gonna make things right, Shepard, that's a promise."

He leaned over and brushed his lips across Shepard's forehead, kissing the scar in the upper left hand corner. "Don't die on me, Shepard," Kaidan whispered.

_Or I'll never forgive myself._

Kaidan dragged his chair back over to the wall and sat down, propping his elbows on his knees. Kaidan yawned widely and rubbed the circles beneath his eyes, sniggering slightly.

"See what you do to me Shepard? I haven't slept in three days."

"_I would suggest that you stop worrying about him and get some rest Kaidan. If he were going to die he'd have done it by now."_

"Thanks, EDI, but I think I'll stay awake."

"_Would it be appropriate for me to unlock the door? Garrus is walking towards the medical bay."_

Kaidan lifted his eyebrows in confusion, but he was still grateful that EDI had locked the door for him. He glanced over at the datapad sitting next to him. It was three in the morning, what could Garrus want with him?

"Yeah, that'd be great."

Kaidan heard a soft click as the door unlocked and Garrus walked in, carrying a pistol in one hand and a gift bag in the other.

"Sorry," Garrus said as Kaidan eyed his pistol, "Old habits." He put the weapon back in its sheath and sat down next to Kaidan, setting the datapad on the floor.

"I know you probably want to be alone, but right now is the best time for me to give this to you. The council just went to bed."

"Courtesy of a sedative?" Kaidan winked knowingly.

"Sadly no, but I might ask EDI to gas the chamber the next time a meeting drags on for five hours."

Garrus put the gift bag on Kaidan's lap and leaned back, waiting for the Spectre to make the connection. Kaidan rummaged through the bag and pulled out the model Normandy SR1 that he had gotten Shepard back on the Citadel. Garrus smiled widely as Kaidan whipped his head around, stammering his thanks to the Turian, bewildered.

"Fresh on the shelves, huh?" Garrus smirked. "Cute."

Kaidan blushed slightly but stood up immediately, setting the model ship on Shepard's bedside table. When he turned around, Garrus was standing up and yawning, stretching his arms.

"I'm going to bed," Garrus said matter-of-factly and made to leave.

On his way out, Garrus paused by the door and stared back at Kaidan pointedly. "And Kaidan, don't give up on him, trust me." The door swished softly behind him.

Kaidan looked wistfully back at the model Normandy sitting proudly on Shepard's bedside table. He tried desperately not to get his hopes up, but Garrus was Shepard's best friend, if he had confidence in Kaidan…

It was probably just the severe lack of sleep that was getting to him, but maybe being friends wasn't the best case scenario after all.

Kaidan sat back and put his head on the wall, watching the rise and fall of Shepard's chest as he breathed. Within seconds, Kaidan had fallen asleep.

**A/N: Sorry about taking so long, but it was a busy week and this was a long chapter (for me). Tell me what you think about the Horizon spiel, and be honest about it! I think that this is the best chapter so far, but maybe that's me being overly confident. **


	4. The English Channel

Chapter 4

The English Channel

_Shepard swam in and out of the blackness surrounding him, pockets of light drifting in the void. Shepard opened his eyes and found himself standing on Mars, a sandstorm whipping around him as he chased the Cerberus doctor. Without warning, she turned around and stared at Shepard, Kaidan's limp form in her hands. _

_ "You did this Shepard," the doctor said, her voice reverberating around his skull. "You were too late. You became too attached. It's your fault, Shepard." _

_Her eyes flashed suddenly, changing color rapidly until they were the same caramel brown as Kaidan's. _

"_Why did you kill me, Shepard? You should have just left me alone."_

"_I didn't mean to, Kaidan, I promise!" Sudden pain tore at Shepard's shoulder and abdomen, causing him to fall to the ground. "I thought we-" _

"_You thought wrong, didn't you?" _

_The pain intensified, consuming Shepard, spreading throughout his entire body and leaving him immobile on the ground. Kaidan looked at him in deep contempt and walked away, fading into the darkness._

_Shepard screamed as fire devoured his body, Kaidan's disgusted face firmly imprinted on his mind. "It's your fault, Shepard." _

"_Hey, Shepard, wake up." _

_Shepard opened his eyes to the sound of Kaidan's voice, much more pleasant than before. He was drifting through space again, but this time he felt at ease. _

"_Let me show you something."_

_Shepard looked down on his cabin on the Normandy, his body now a transparent flicker as he observed the scene. _

_Shepard was standing next to Kaidan after he had rescued him from Virmire, the two of them staring out the window as the bomb exploded. Kaidan looked like he was trying not to cry, Ashley's name on his lips. Shepard smiled reassuringly at him and took his hand, twining his fingers around it. They stood like that until the planet faded from view, glad that they had each other. _

"_I know why you chose me, Shepard."_

"_But that never happened," Shepard answered to the air, gesturing at the two of them holding hands in the darkness. A confused frown slid over his face. _

"_It could've." _

_The scene shifted and morphed until Shepard was once again looking at the two of them in his cabin, standing side-by-side and staring out at the stars. Kaidan seemed worried but Shepard put his arm around his shoulders, the shadow of Ilos looming before them. As the planet drew closer, Shepard turned Kaidan to face him and stared into his eyes searchingly. As Kaidan was about to say something, Shepard leaned forward and pressed his lips softly onto Kaidan's mouth. Kaidan grunted in shock but closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around Shepard, desperately throwing himself into the kiss. They stood like that for awhile before the scene dissolved, leaving Shepard to float off into space. _

"_I remember that night," Shepard said, understanding beginning to spread through him. "But we didn't…" Shepard's mind reeled; realizing the implications of what Kaidan was showing him. _

"_We could've" was all that Kaidan had to say before the scene shifted again. Horizon. _

"_There were bad times too, but we made it through them," Kaidan's disembodied voice continued as the scene changed to Udina's coup on the Citadel. Kaidan was pointing a gun at Shepard's face, biting his lip in indecision. _

"_I could never kill you, Shepard." _

_By now tears were threatening to spill out of Shepard's eyes, the hard pounding of regret sounding in his ears. _

"_Why are you showing me this?" Shepard screamed at the air as the room in front of him swirled, moving to a different place on the Citadel. _

_This time Shepard was sitting next to Kaidan, ordering a steak sandwich and looking at the Major in anticipation. _

"_No!" Shepard yelled as he fell to his knees, the tears now streaming down his face. _

"_I love you, Shepard," Kaidan whispered at his side. _

_Shepard stopped and looked up suddenly, the eerie blare of a Reaper's call sounding in the distance. Harbinger stood above him, a glowing red light pulsating in-between the Reaper's metal jaws. The light consumed him and Shepard screamed incoherently, the pain of death ripping through him. _

"_What if you died?" Kaidan sighed, the sadness in his voice tearing Shepard apart even more fiercely than his death. _

_The pain disappeared as suddenly as it had come, and Shepard found himself drifting once more through space, Kaidan standing calmly in front of him. Shepard could only stare in longing at the man in front of him, wanting nothing more than to reach across the void and simply touch him. _

"_I'm giving you another chance, Shepard," Kaidan said as he slowly faded from view. "Don't waste it."_

_Darkness took him._

* * *

Harsh lighting poured onto Shepard's eyelids, its heat pressing into his skin. Blurred images drifted around his head. He held up one hand, warding off the imposters from his nightmares, before cracking one eye open.

A sphere of light pierced his vision and Shepard turned away, his head heavy. He felt a slight burning sensation at his shoulder and abdomen, frowning slightly. A short memory popped into his head and he winced, again feeling the Vorcha's claws scrabbling at his stomach.

Shepard shook his head slightly to clear it and chanced opening his eyes again. They cracked as they opened, organic crud gathered at the corners breaking off with the movement. In front of him, blurry but unmistakable, sat Kaidan. The Spectre had his head leaning against the ceiling, mouth open and snoring slightly. There were dark rings encircling his eyes, giving him an almost raccoon appearance. Shepard giggled uncontrollably at the sight of Kaidan, the drugs swirling around his system doing nothing to abate his laughter.

Almost immediately his giggling turned solemn as his dreams came back to him. It felt like he had been under for years, with nothing but regret to plague him. Seeing Kaidan sitting in front of him, relaxed and safe, was almost too much for him to bear. It was too soon; he had to take some time to mull it over before acting on it.

"_If you _would_ act on it," _a nagging voice echoed in his head.

Shepard drove his fingers into his temples, feeling the onset of a headache. All he needed was time; he could figure out anything if he tried hard enough.

"_You'll kill him," _the voice whispered, and Shepard sat up so fast he banged his head on one of the monitors. To his horror, the monitor crashed to the floor, the lights overhead gaining in intensity at the sudden movement.

Kaidan was at his side, pushing down on his chest gently to ease him back into his stretcher. Dr. Umber was already rushing about, making sure his vitals were in order.

_No, stop it Kaidan. Stop caring about me, I can't handle it anymore. _

Shepard was struggling against Kaidan's pushing, forcing himself to look anywhere but the Major. His vision clouded as his injuries flared up, and Shepard retched onto the floor. Kaidan's hand was at his back, guiding him ever so gently back onto his cot. Their eyes met.

Shepard's heart clenched as he gazed into the deep brown of Kaidan's eyes, the compassion reflected in them making Shepard sick with guilt. For years he had been tormented by those eyes, tormented by a message that Shepard could not return.

"Stop it!" Shepard yelled fiercely, his biotics flaring uncontrollably around him. Before he could stop himself, Kaidan was already flying across the room. Shepard stared, dumbstruck, as Kaidan slammed against the wall, grunting at the impact and falling in heap on the floor. Shepard could only look on as Dr. Umber ran over to Kaidan, casting a fearful glance back at Shepard.

Shepard turned away, a horrible feeling spreading through his stomach. He put his face in his hands, cursing himself for everything he's done to Kaidan. As Dr. Umber came over to him, leaving Kaidan unconscious on the floor, Shepard ignored her and chose to simply stare at Kaidan.

"_I never do anything right,"_ Shepard thought to himself. Kaidan was reaching out to him, and Shepard had repaid him by smashing him against a wall. He laid back against his pillow as Dr. Umber fussed around him, staring at the ceiling. He was a terrible person, but he had no idea how to make things better with Kaidan.

After Umber checked to make sure none of his injuries had reopened, she called an assistant into the room to put Kaidan on the stretcher next to Shepard. He was about to protest, but Umber decided to take Kaidan back to his quarters. Shepard couldn't help but feel relieved as Kaidan left the room. He needed time to himself.

He was about to close his eyes when a loud bang sounded outside the med-bay doors. Before Dr. Umber could stop him, Garrus stomped into the room and glared at Shepard, his teeth bared.

"What the _fuck_ is wrong with you, Shepard?" he growled, crossing he room and punching Shepard hard across the face. Shepard accepted the blow, spitting out a small spurt of blood from his mouth. "Why the hell is Alenko unconscious, exactly?"

Shepard chose not to respond, just to hang his head in shame.

Garrus started pacing around the room, muttering under his breath and trying very hard not to punch Shepard again. Dr. Umber was cowering by her office in fear of the Turian.

Garrus' control broke and he hit Shepard again, the blow knocking his head against a metal pole on his cot.

"You are _disgusting_," Garrus spat at him before bringing over a chair and sitting down, glaring resolutely at Shepard. "Out with it Shepard, tell me what the fuck is wrong with you."

"I um…" Shepard said, not willing himself to look at Garrus. Didn't he feel bad enough already? "Threw him."

"No shit, bud."

"Is he hurt?" Shepard asked, staring down at his thumbs. The last thing he wanted was his loss of control to end up hurting Kaidan.

"You can't be serious, Shepard."

"You know that I am."

Garrus simply growled again, thumping his fingers against his chair.

"I'm pretty sure you didn't kill him."

"That's good."

An uncomfortable silence hung over the room, and Shepard could tell that Garrus was waiting for him. Unwillingly, Shepard tore his eyes from his gnarled hands and looked at Garrus, a guilty look on his face. "What do you want me to say, Garrus?"

"I don't give a damn what you say to me, Shepard," Garrus said, relaxing slightly now that he had Shepard's full attention.

"I'll apologize to him tomorrow."

"Will you mean it?"

Shepard glared at him, affronted. "Of course I'll mean it."

"But it won't mean anything, will it?"

Shepard went back to staring at his hands. "I want it to," he said quietly, relieving some of the tension he'd been feeling since seeing Kaidan again at the Citadel.

"But you can't, right Shepard? Too many risks?" Shepard opted not to say anything.

"You know what, Shepard? I think you're afraid."

Shepard laughed shakily. "Afraid of what?"

"Him," Garrus said simply, letting the word hang in the air.

"Yeah," said Shepard sarcastically. "I'm sure Kaidan is just rearing up to kill me."

"We both know that's not what I meant." Shepard huffed at him but Garrus waived a hand through the air. "Just hear me out, Shepard, and then I'll gladly leave."

"You're afraid of him in so many ways it's hard to count. Afraid that you'll get too attached and end up hurting either one of you, for one thing. I saw what happened on the Citadel, with the flowers. You think that if you show any kind of attachment to anyone, it'll be their death sentence. Trust me, Shepard, you aren't that damned important."

"Remember what happened with Liara?" Shepard mumbled into his chest. After the war, they hooked up on the Citadel. Shepard knew that Liara loved him; she had since the first Normandy. Kaidan had been out of contact for months, and when Liara asked if Shepard would meet her on the Citadel, he was hard put to refuse. Shepard sighed, remembering the awkwardness of the night they spent together. When Shepard woke up, Liara was gone.

"They almost killed her."

"But they didn't," Garrus answered calmly, leaning back slightly in his chair. "Liara knows how to look after herself, and so does Kaidan."

Shepard let out a derisive grunt and Garrus punched him in the face again.

"Don't make me do that again," Garrus said as Shepard wiped a hand across his jaw. "My hands are starting to hurt."

Shepard glared menacingly at the Turian, glowing blue. "What about the war? I was pretty important then." Garrus simply laughed and scooted a little closer to Shepard's bed.

"Can you honestly tell me that you would prefer if Kaidan was alone? Remember who you were fighting for, back when the Reaper War was still going on? You were fighting for the people you loved, and that made you stronger than ever. Honestly, Shepard, I think that Kaidan has more of a right to be worried about you than you do about him. Look at what happened with the Vorcha."

Shepard hung his head, accepting the truth in Garrus' words.

"I'm sure that Kaidan would be even more convinced in protecting the both of you, knowing what would happen if one of you died."

"There it is though," Shepard said, sighing. "He could die."

"At least he would die knowing what he has. At least he would die happy. You could die happy, Shepard."

Shepard was silent, his mind overloaded with the possibilities, but also the risks. In truth, Kaidan made him lose control, made him afraid. When he was around him, he had to distance himself. He couldn't put the person he cared most about in danger, or he would lose himself. Even taking Kaidan on simple missions was gut wrenching, watching a bullet fly so closely to ending everything.

Shepard closed himself to Kaidan, fearing that any involvement would distract him, would make him lose the war, make him lose himself.

_"I'm giving you another chance, Shepard, don't waste it."_

Garrus was staring at him, confused, when Shepard finally broke out of his thoughts.

"I'm afraid," Shepard said, his words genuine.

"Good," Garrus said, apparently satisfied. "Umber tells me you'll be able to walk in about two days, but the Council wants to meet with you tomorrow. We're dragging you into the mess so you guys can… chat."

Garrus stood up abruptly and punched Shepard again, more lightly this time. "Tell him," Garrus said simply before pointing at Shepard's bedside table and leaving the med-bay.

Shepard's eyes followed Garrus' gesture and he set his eyes upon a brand new model of the Normandy SR1. A short note with Kaidan's name on it accompanied the ship. Shepard picked it up and held it in wonder, inspecting the model for any abnormalities. It truly was a perfect model, however, and Shepard's eyes softened slightly as he put the model back on his table, adjusting it accordingly.

As Dr. Umber reentered the room, fretting over his wounds, Shepard couldn't help but feel like it wasn't going to be easy. But when he looked over to the model beside him, Shepard set one goal for himself. Smile at him.

* * *

The next day Shepard was walking. He had kept to the med-bay for the time being, but whenever Dr. Umber wasn't looking he would take a short walk around the room. The cybernetics inside of him made him a fast healer, and he wasn't complaining.

The council had visited earlier in the day, telling him where to go and giving him a huge stack of datapads to look over. He now sat on his cot, reading diligently while Dr. Umber replaced some of his bandages. The meeting started in an hour, and Shepard had only gotten through half the datapads.

"Fuck it," Shepard muttered, tossing the datapad on the counter and rubbing his eyes.

He contemplated for a moment, staring unfocused at the wall, before looking up at the ceiling. "EDI, is Kaidan awake?"

"Yes, Shepard, he's actually coming down right now. It appears as though he's approaching the med-bay."

"Really?" Shepard asked, doubtful.

"Definitely. Any further questions, Commander?"

"No." Shepard stared at the door, somewhat apprehensive. He could only hope that it wasn't Kaidan's turn to punch him in the face.

To his surprise, Kaidan was holding a tray of food in his hands with a smile on his face. He sat down directly next to Shepard, obviously unfazed by their previous encounter.

"Look Shepard, I can't stay for very long, but I wanted to apologize for earlier." Kaidan looked genuinely guilty and Shepard felt immediately sick to his stomach. He managed to get out a small "no problem" while choosing instead to stare at the Normandy model Kaidan had gotten for him.

Kaidan noticed him staring at the model and brightened immediately. "I got that for you, back at the Citadel. I thought you would like it."

Kaidan looked uncomfortable as he fiddled around with his chair. "I'm really sorry Shepard but I have to go, just thought I'd let you know. See you at the meeting."

"Kaidan wait!" Shepard shouted as the door started to close. Kaidan darted his head around the door, looking at him expectantly.

"Don't apologize," Shepard said quickly, running a hand through his hair. "It was completely my fault; I didn't mean to hurt you." Tentatively, Shepard smiled widely at Kaidan, trying his best to not hold himself back as he did.

Kaidan looked slightly taken aback but grinned back happily at Shepard before walking out of the med-bay. Shepard followed his back as the Spectre disappeared, feeling himself breathing a little more heavily than usual.

_"It's a start," _Shepard thought as Dr. Umber rushed back into the room. She had started to hide in her office whenever Shepard had company. Shepard tried to get back to his research, but Kaidan's smile kept flitting around his thoughts. It was so easy for him to lose himself around Kaidan that he considered slowing down the process even more. But deep inside, Shepard wanted to see that smile again, and the feeling was starting to bubble up to the surface.

A little sooner than hour later, Shepard had gotten very little done, distracted by what he might say to Kaidan during the meeting. He was deciding how many times he should look at Kaidan when Liara walked in.

"The meeting is about to start Shepard, should I wheel you into the mess hall?"

"No need," Shepard said, swinging his legs over the side of his stretcher. Liara's eyes widened as Shepard walked shakily toward her, but she nodded and put her hand around Shepard's hip to steady him. Shepard breathed at the subtle support she was giving him and tried to look as confident as possible entering the meeting. He had changed into a simple uniform, one of the ones he used to wear during the war.

The instant he walked in Kaidan met his eyes with a smile. Shepard's stomach did a halfhearted back flop, something he hadn't felt in years, and he allowed himself a small grin in exchange.

_"This is getting out of hand," _Shepard thought, gritting his teeth and sitting down at the head of the table. He forced himself to not look at Kaidan and instead occupied himself with the couple of datapads he had brought from the med-bay.

"I'm shocked, Shepard, I didn't expect you to on your feet so quickly." Tevos had walked into the room and sat across the table from Shepard, her face blank.

"He's always been a fast healer," Shepard heard Kaidan say to his right.

"Don't get too far ahead of yourself, Major," Shepard said without thinking, a slight smirk sliding onto his face as he looked back at Kaidan. "I can barely walk without Liara shuffling me along."

Shepard quickly turned his head away at Kaidan's amused grin, kicking his shin against a leg of the table. Was he really flirting with him? How long did that take?

"_Jesus_, Kaidan," Shepard groaned into his stomach, which had resumed its unpracticed acrobatics.

Shepard closed his eyes and took a long breath, trying to stop his heart from beating out of his chest. He heard more people enter the room but he kept his eyes resolutely closed, firmly ignoring any conversations that were taking place. When he felt like he finally had a handle on things, Shepard looked back up at the table.

The rest of the council had arrived, and Shepard was relieved to see that Garrus and Liara had joined them, along with EDI's mobile unit. Shepard gave the AI a questioning look.

"While I can participate in the meeting extraneously, I chose to attend personally. This is to ensure that my facial expressions will be taken into account. I also feel that people tend to divide less attention to me if I do not present a physical presence."

Shepard simply nodded. It would take him awhile to get used to her again.

"Should we start the meeting?" Tevos asked as she stood, sweeping her eyes around the table. "It appears that everyone is now in attendance."

Shepard dipped his head at her slightly as she looked at him, and she sat back down, ruffling a couple of datapads in front of her. "As you all know, the Krogan have taken up arms and plan to dominate the council races. Recent reports have suggested that they are quickly moving to take positions on Rannoch and Irune." Shepard's eyes widened as Rannoch was mentioned, and took a quick glance at Garrus. The Turian had paled slightly, but other than that he kept his composure.

"The Citadel is holding for now, but the Krogan are planning to send in more reinforcements in order to take the base. Fortunately, no other species has decided to join their ranks. Commander Shepard, I assume you have been already briefed on these matters, but I felt that restatement was necessary."

"Is London adequate?" Shepard asked, looking up from where he was scanning one of his datapads. "I've asked them to put more emphasis on updating communications."

"It seems to be the only place suitable," the Salarian replied. "Surkesh, Palaven, and Thessia are all still struggling to rebuild."

"From a tactical standpoint, Wrex's assault makes sense," Velarn noted. "But I still cannot discern the females' role in this; they have yet to appear on any fronts."

Shepard dipped his chin in thought.

"That is not what this meeting is designed to discuss, Councilor Velarn," Tevos said, a pointed look on her face. "I understand your concern, but until we arrive at London we will have no further information on the subject."

Tevos pulled up a map of the Citadel, a touch of worry in her eyes.

"Before we begin the assessment of the Citadel, I would like to say something," the Salarian councilor said, standing and leaning over the table. "Commander Shepard, the other councilors and I have agreed to strip you of your status as one of our members."

Shepard blinked, absorbing the information. He had been expecting something like this ever since Wrex labeled him at the summit. Garrus and Liara, however, looked positively offended at the news. They both began shouting abrasively at Sparatus, Garrus throwing in a few threats for good measure. Shepard chanced a glance at Kaidan to find that he was simply sitting in his chair, mulling it over.

"Enough!" Sparatus yelled, pointing an accusing finger at Shepard. "I warned you not to involve the Krogan, Shepard. I told you that curing the genophage would mean death for us all. You did not listen. This is the price you will pay for disobeying me, not to mention the millions of deaths that will come with this war."

"Sparatus!" Velarn shouted, Tevos on her feet next to him. The Salarian councilor dropped to his seat in a huff. Velarn turned to Shepard. "Shepard, Tevos and I agree that you will keep your Spectre status, but we would have you remain on the council if the decision was negotiable."

Garrus couldn't contain himself any longer and stood as well, snarling at Sparatus. "Shepard saved the goddamn galaxy, and you blame him for what happens afterward? There wouldn't even _be_ an afterward if it weren't for Shepard."

"Don't make me stand up too," Shepard said quietly, and the table shifted its attention to him. "Garrus, sit down." The Turian sat down with a crash and the councilors joined him.

"I accept the demotion, and am thankful that the Council has allowed me to remain a Spectre."

"Commander Shepard, your effectiveness as a galactic influence has been greatly diminished since the Krogan summit," EDI said, her mechanical eyes locking onto him. "Being disbarred from the Council will only further this distance."

"EDI, I would argue that I'll be even more effective if I am allowed to maneuver outside the Council. More free reign, anyway."

"You want this, don't you Shepard?" Liara asked him, her blue eyes sparkling accusingly.

"I thought this meeting was supposed to be about the Citadel," Kaidan finally said, his hand gripping Liara's tightly. Shepard nodded his gratitude at Kaidan and quickly changed pace, highlighting a couple of key locations on the map of the Citadel. He was alarmed but also secretly pleased that Kaidan had covered for him.

He decided to glance over at Kaidan as Garrus talked about defensive positions, giving him a small wink and a grin. To his surprise, Kaidan blushed slightly at the action before quickly looking away. Shepard's grin only grew wider and he turned back to his datapads, rather proud of himself.

Allowing Kaidan back into his life was pleasantly simple. As the meeting progressed he acted as friendly as possible to the other Spectre, even cracking a few jokes in the process.

By the end of the meeting, Shepard felt like he had finally made up some ground in their relationship. He was even more shocked that he hadn't lost control, hadn't made things awkward, and most importantly didn't feel any hesitancy in his actions. It was as though his brain had unconsciously accepted the outcome of Kaidan being back in his life.

"_Don't get ahead of yourself, Shepard,"_ he thought as he packed up his things from the table. Kaidan being in danger still frightened him, and he wasn't comfortable with anything past friendship, at least for the moment. Shepard cleared the thought and smiled again, reflecting on the meeting. He hadn't been this happy in months.

Shepard saw Kaidan leaving to go back to his quarters and made a split second decision. "Kaidan, do you have a second?" Shepard asked, tapping the Major on the shoulder.

"Sure," he replied, leaning up against the doorway.

"I just wanted to thank you for covering for me."

Kaidan look at him searchingly. "You really are ok with it, aren't you?"

Shepard laughed despite himself. "You could say that. Besides, how am I going to save poor Tali if I'm stuck in London dealing with politicians?"

Kaidan's grin turned to concern at the mention of Tali. "Is she for sure on Rannoch?"

"Last time I heard, and that was from Garrus so I have it on pretty good authority."

Kaidan stared at the floor, biting his lower lip. Shepard threw caution to the winds and put his hand on Kaidan's shoulder.

"I wanted to repay you for something else too," Shepard said, his face serious. "I never really thanked you for bringing me dinner earlier." Shepard's stomach churned at Kaidan's hopeful smile.

"It's really no problem, Shepard."

"Meet me in the mess when we land in London," Shepard said quickly, having no idea what his voice sounded like. "We need to take some time to catch up."

Kaidan looked dumbfounded and elated at the same time, and he promised that he'd be there. Shepard was serious in the intent of the meeting, and he was sure he would treat it as two friends swapping stories.

Still, as he walked back to the med-bay, Shepard could swear that he wasn't limping anymore.

Dr. Umber was already sleeping in her office by the time Shepard entered the room, but he noticed that she had accidentally knocked over his model of the first Normandy.

Shepard climbed into his stretcher, grunting at the pain, before turning to his bedside table. He tenderly picked up the model and set it upright, tilting the engines toward him slightly.

Shepard looked on lovingly as the fading light reflected off the model. He fell asleep with a smile lingering on his face, snoring into his pillow.

**A/N: PLEASE review! I can't stress this enough. I really want to know what you guys are thinking, but I especially want to know what you think I can do better. Don't be afraid to make suggestions for later chapters either; I wanna know what's going on in your heads!**

**P.S. Was this Shepard chapter better than the last one? (At least answer this one :p)**


	5. Rain

**A/N: Yeah, so I still don't have Beta reader… if any of you guys want to go for it just tell me in the review. Also, I'm a really goddamn slow writer because I edit (somewhat subconsciously) while I write. It does make the first draft the final draft though so that's nice (This is why I need a Beta).**

Chapter 5

Rain

Kaidan was lying in his bed staring at the ceiling when he finally decided to get up. He couldn't sleep; the anticipation was eating away at him. As he pulled the covers off himself, he glanced over at the clock. Neon orange letters burned into his vision, making them sting as he noted the time in his head: 3am.

Kaidan groaned and sat up, rubbing his eyes to clear them of the images that kept running through his mind. Shepard's encouraging smile popped back in front of him and he shook his head, gathering himself. He had gotten over the hope of sleeping hours ago, and decided he might as well have a coffee.

His migraine waved back over him as he entered the elevator, leaning against the cool metal as it slid down to the mess hall.

Kaidan had spent the last couple of hours pondering the meeting, thinking about how Shepard treated him and why he suddenly had a change in heart. The best explanation that he could come up with was that Shepard was high on his painkillers. The flowers, Shepard ignoring him every time he looked at him, the complete lack of communication in the final weeks of the war; none of it made any sense to him. To see Shepard smiling at him and laughing like they were friends again made Kaidan somewhat hopeful, but mostly deeply confused.

Another deep stab to his brain made him whimper slightly as he stepped out of the elevator. His migraines hadn't been this bad for months. When he looked up, he was surprised to see Liara hunched over the dining table, a bottle of liquor hanging loosely in her hand.

"Liara?" Kaidan asked, slowly making his way over to her while massaging his neck. He got no response, however, and went over to the counter for coffee, assuming she was asleep.

"Kaidan," he heard her grunt from the pillow she had made with her arms. She stirred clumsily and looked at him, squinting.

"Hey, Liara," Kaidan said with a yawn as he finished filling his cup. She sat up and put her cheek on her hand as he walked over to her, cupping the mug in his hands. She peered at him mysteriously as he sat down, and Kaidan couldn't help but feel his biotics twinge slightly.

"You're up early," Liara slurred, peering across at him, her eyes unfocused.

"I've never seen you drink before, Liara," Kaidan said, a look of concern briefly passing over his face. "What's up?"

Liara grinned at that, muttering something about human phrasing. She took another draft from her bottle and Kaidan's eyes widened. He made to casually take the alcohol away from her but she swatted his hand away, telling him to get his own.

"I'm being serious, Liara, are you okay?" Kaidan put his coffee down and leaned over his crossed fingers.

"Screw Shepard, you know?" she said, a mixture of anger and drunkenness crossing her face.

"Sorry?"

"Screw Shepard," she repeated, exasperated.

"Why?" Kaidan asked. Shepard was treating him better than ever, why would Liara be angry at him? Maybe she knew something about his new change in heart.

"He has the _nerve_ to invite me back on his ship, the fucker."

Kaidan spluttered on his coffee, the searing liquid burning a path down his throat as he coughed over the table. "What the hell, Liara?"

"He is…" Liara said quietly, looking down rather ashamedly.

"No," Kaidan said, massaging his throat. "I've just never heard you cuss before." He paused, wondering if Liara was going to say anything. "What happened?"

Liara mulled the question over, like it had taken a while for it to travel across the table. "I don't think I should tell you," she said, putting extra emphasis on the last word.

"There's clearly something wrong here," Kaidan said, gesturing at the bottle in Liara's hand and thinking of her dirty language.

"We slept together," she said suddenly before glancing up at him fearfully.

"What?" Kaidan half-yelled, not sure if he should laugh or slap her across the face.

"It- it was after," she stuttered, quailing at his stare.

"You're serious?" Kaidan asked, dismayed. It wasn't out of the question that Shepard would be interested in Liara, but as far as he knew Shepard hadn't made an advance toward anyone in his entire life.

Liara simply nodded, her eyes tearing up in shame. "And then he just left, and those awful people came." She was crying by now but Kaidan didn't make any effort to comfort her.

"What are you even talking about?" Kaidan growled, his coffee left abandoned on the corner of the table.

"About three months after the war," Liara began slowly, "I asked Shepard to meet me on the Citadel." She frowned. "He was really sad for some reason. I've never seen Shepard cry before."

Shepard? Crying?

"And then we just… slept together," Liara finished uncomfortably. Her eyes flashed with anger suddenly and she said, "He was gone in the morning."

Kaidan was conflicted. Liara was probably his best friend, especially after the war, but to hear that she had slept with _Shepard_… He sipped his coffee to buy himself some time and asked, "Why did he leave?"

"He doesn't love me," Liara said to herself, then looked up shocked, as if she didn't realize she said it out loud.

"So why did he come in the first place?" Kaidan asked before she could react.

"He was… upset." Liara drew out the last word, chewing her lower lip and studying her bottle determinedly.

"Did he tell you why?" Kaidan grumbled accusingly.

"No."

"Liara." She shrunk back in her chair at his glare.

"I can't tell you, Kaidan."

"_Liara_."

"I almost died, Kaidan!" Liara yelled, throwing her bottle against the side of the wall. Kaidan didn't even flinch as it shattered, sending shards of broken glass flying around the room. "He almost died!"

She broke down on the floor, crying hysterically and yelling at him.

"He was really sad, I wanted to comfort him. I loved him, Kaidan! He told me where his life was going, his regrets, his failures." Kaidan could barely tell what Liara was saying as she ranted on, but he listened with rapt attention.

"He started crying, I hated seeing him like that. He said he wanted to kill himself. He tried it once." Liara's yelling had quieted suddenly and Kaidan had to lean in to hear her frantic whispering. His heart fell to the floor. He didn't know that Shepard was considering suicide after the war was over. He cursed himself for staying away from Shepard, even though he figured his Commander didn't want him around anymore.

"_Not after I confessed," _his brain supplied unhelpfully.

"I kissed him, and we were in bed together. It all felt so empty, but I didn't care." She looked up at him from her position on the floor, pain reflected in her perfectly blue eyes.

"He was gone in the morning; he didn't talk to me in a month." Kaidan's migraine was returning in force as he absorbed the information.

"Then the Batarians came," she said, her eyes widening in terror. "They came and they tried to kill me. I didn't know why."

"What?" Kaidan said blankly, unable to stop himself.

Liara ignored him and just kept going, wringing her hands subconsciously. "Shepard saved me, but I could tell it was over. He didn't trust me anymore, he didn't trust anyone anymore."

"That's his problem, you know?" Liara said, suddenly shifting gears as she plopped back into her seat. "He doesn't trust anyone; he doesn't let himself trust anyone." She went to take another drink from her bottle but frowned when she saw it broken on the floor.

Kaidan gawked at her, now genuinely concerned.

"And now he wants me back on his ship, the bastard."

"What do you mean he doesn't trust anyone?" Kaidan asked, sliding into the seat next to her and putting an arm around her shoulder. His anger was nearly gone in light of her anguish and confusion.

"He doesn't trust himself to like anyone, he's too afraid of what might happen." Liara was suddenly as coherent as ever, and Kaidan wondered about the effects of alcohol on the average Asari. "He doesn't trust anyone to like him, either. It's all his issues with attachment and loss; I think it goes back to Akuze and even Mindoir."

She looked at him out of the corner of her eye and inched a little closer to him, laying her head on his shoulder.

"He's lost everyone he's ever loved, it must be hard for him to love anyone back," she said, the sadness in her voice making Kaidan's heart ache. "I thought he loved me, but I was wrong." She sighed heavily, nuzzling up to Kaidan even more, her eyes clouding with tiredness.

"I'm so sorry, Liara." It was the only thing Kaidan could bring himself to say, and he pulled her close, his own feelings getting muddled in with hers.

"I think he trusts you though, Kaidan," she mumbled against his shirt; "More than anyone else, anyway. Just give it some time."

Kaidan felt her eyes close and she fell asleep immediately, her slender figure clinging to his body. Kaidan breathed deeply, thinking over everything Liara had said. He had forgotten about Mindoir, the colony where Shepard's entire life turned to dust. It would certainly explain his hard edge and the way he approached people.

"_But Shepard still has people who care about him," _Kaidan thought angrily, looking down at Liara and then gazing around the rest of the Normandy. _"And damn him if he thinks that any of us will give up on him."_

* * *

When Kaidan woke it was still dark in the mess hall. He didn't want to abandon Liara – or wake her up for that matter – and it was surprisingly easy to fall asleep with her lying on his chest.

Now Kaidan peered around him, his eyes cracking from sleep. He took a deep yawn and glanced down at his omnitool, only slightly disappointed by how little rest he had gotten.

"Liara," he said, voice cracking while he prodded her with his finger. She stirred sleepily and immediately clutched at her head, groaning. Satisfied that she was awake, Kaidan carefully turned her around and laid her back in the chair.

Leaving Liara sitting at the table, Kaidan walked over to the counter and poured himself another coffee. EDI must have seen them moving around and turned the lights on for him, just as a couple of crew members filed in for breakfast. Sparing her the embarrassment, Kaidan eased Liara off the chair and led her to her quarters. She mumbled her thanks to him as she closed the door, one hand held limply to her brow.

Kaidan returned to the mess, chuckling a little despite himself, and grabbed a plate from the counter. He was halfway through reading a couple of Spectre reports when Shepard walked in, looking tired and overworked. His heart skipped a beat when he saw him, like it wasn't used to seeing Shepard so often.

"_It's good having him back," _Kaidan thought, and chanced a wave at his commander. Shepard glanced anxiously at him and muttered something to Garrus, who nodded and headed toward the cockpit. Kaidan cleared off a space for him to sit and Shepard took it, sighing heavily.

"You look awful," Kaidan said concerned. He fidgeted with his hands, not sure whether it was appropriate to pat Shepard on the back. He chose instead to clench them on top of the counter.

"I've been busy," he replied, his voice heavy with exhaustion.

"Have you slept at all?"

"Look, Kaidan, I can't make it tonight." There was a pained look on his face, his eyes wide and shining. "There's just too much going on."

"Oh," Kaidan said, only slightly disappointed. He had a considerable amount to prepare as well. Shepard had said that they were going to spend three days in London, despite the council's protests. Rannoch took Shepard's first priority, and the reports coming in from the planet were getting worse by the day. The food on Rannoch was dextro-based, so Kaidan's main job was to coordinate the Normandy's supplies. It was a boring job, but London was mainly undergoing reconstruction anyway. He would have to sit through meetings otherwise, and Shepard seemed to have a handle on those despite his weariness.

"That's fine," he continued. "I'll have more time to stock the ship, maybe catch some drinks with Vega and Cortez when we're done."

"Tomorrow," Shepard said with a determined nod. "Trust me."

"I'll be there," Kaidan said smiling. He didn't want to sound disappointed, but he was slightly upset at the council for putting so much pressure on Shepard. Still, they were going to catch up eventually, and Kaidan would keep himself busy until then.

"Shepard," Garrus said, sticking his head around the corner.

"Kaidan," Shepard said and left the table, following Garrus into the elevator. Shepard visibly yawned on his way out and Kaidan sighed.

"_Just like the good old days," _Kaidan thought.

"_Normandy clear to disembark,"_ Joker said over the speakers. Kaidan quickly gathered up his datapads and headed up to his room, wanting to change before he left the ship. London was still a moderate-risk zone, and Kaidan outfitted himself with some light armor just to be safe. He was going to bring Liara with him to meet Vega and Cortez, but with the events of last night he doubted she would be up for it.

He stepped out of decontamination and breathed in the air, filling his lungs with the smell. It was raining pretty heavily, and the moisture managed to take most of the smoky smell out of the air. Kaidan put one hand over his head and ran over to a car, the rain pattering off of his armor.

The area around the Normandy was in high activity, people bustling about, trying to move as quickly as possible under the rain. His hair was soaked through as he entered the hover car, and he shook his head like a dog to dry himself. Kaidan whooped with joy; he hadn't felt the touch of rain in a very long time.

The clouds rolled above him as Kaidan drove the car to the Alliance warehouses, Big Ben chiming discordantly with the clashing thunder. Kaidan landed the car and parked it in an empty lot, looking over the warehouses for a sign of James. He got out of the car and headed to the entrance of the main building, workers rushing by him on trucks and scooters. The storerooms were simply built, nothing but metal roofs and sliding doors.

He entered the building and immediately saw James, who was lugging a crate of boxes on his shoulders. When James saw Kaidan enter the warehouse he grinned and dropped the boxes, brushing his hands together.

"Major Alenko," James said, grasping his hand tightly. "Long time no see, amigo."

"Good to see you James, what's the rundown?"

"Straight to the point, huh?" James chuckled to himself. "Well, if you're so eager to get to work, you can help me sort these boxes. Organization around here isn't great, so it's up to us to sort and catalogue anything we're bringing." James hefted up his boxes again and Kaidan followed alongside him, datapad in hand.

"I just heard about Rannoch this morning," James continued. "I mean, that we're going to Rannoch after Shepard does his thing in London."

"Yeah, he has a pretty tight schedule, I'm not sure the last time he's slept. He probably won't sleep while he's here, knowing him." They reached a hangar off to the side of the warehouse, where there was a small row of half-unpacked boxes like the ones James was carrying.

"Same Loco," James said, setting down his load with a grunt. "Look, I've got to get the rest of the boxes," James said and glanced over at Cortez, who was putting different objects in piles. "Why don't you help Cortez with the sorting, it'd be easier for you."

Kaidan laughed at the subtle taunt and gave James a mocking salute. "Wouldn't want to throw out my back, Lieutenant." James gave him a quick grin as he walked around the corner and yelled, "Kaidan Alenko, back on the team!"

Cortez was chuckling as Kaidan walked over to him. Cortez was a nice guy, but he wasn't exactly one of Kaidan's favorite crewmates. Kaidan had always considered him as wimpy and overemotional. Definitely not as fun to talk to as James, who was the coolest meathead Kaidan had ever met.

They were silent for awhile, Kaidan laxly going over supplies while doing some research on his datapad. There were some supplies they needed for Rannoch that weren't in London, and Kaidan would most likely have to talk to the Council or Shepard to get them.

"So…" Kaidan said with a cough. "What have you been up to since the war, Cortez?"

He brightened, a friendly smile on his face, and said, "I've pretty much just stayed here in London to help with reconstruction. James too, but he's been going out more. You'd be surprised at how many raider camps have sprung up since the end of the war."

Kaidan looked shocked but Cortez shrugged him off. "Times are hard; some people have nothing left and they're forced to take it from others. It isn't pretty, but I hope they're happier than if the Reapers were still here."

Kaidan bit his lip, suddenly fearing for his mother. His father had died during the war, but his mother had stayed in Vancouver. She had told him that she was fine and that things were returning to normal, but now he wondered whether she had been completely honest with him.

"Are there any near here?" Kaidan asked when the conversation ebbed away.

Cortez laughed softly and said, "You sound a little like James. He's been dying to get out; it's been almost a month since he's seen any action. Shepard promised him that he'll need to head out for supplies, but James knows better than to get his hopes up."

Cortez shoved a box to an empty pile and sat down on a crate, wiping his forehead. "What about you Kaidan?" he asked hopefully.

"Not much," Kaidan said back, tossing a pack of energy bars into a large pile. He didn't mean to shove him away, Kaidan just didn't feel comfortable around Cortez. It might have been the furtive glances he used to give Shepard during the war, even though Kaidan knew they were unreciprocated. There was also an incident where Cortez had abandoned him – if only temporarily – on Eletania, and Kaidan ground his teeth in anger at the memory.

There was another lull in conversation and Cortez went back to work, clearly disappointed. Kaidan bit his lip indecisively before coming up to stand next to Cortez.

"Hey Steve," he said, and Cortez looked up warily at the use of his first name. "How hot is Shepard?" Kaidan glanced away immediately at the question, berating himself for asking. Cortez was the only gay guy he knew though, and he thought that he might as well ask something that had been nagging at him for awhile. He simply needed another man's opinion about Shepard.

Cortez looked dumbfounded for awhile before quietly asking, "Why…?" Kaidan occupied himself by staring at the crates, summing up his courage. He had thought of Shepard in so many ways before, but never as something physically desirable. He had always preferred a woman's body, but some strange thoughts had come into his mind since he had met up with Shepard again. The feeling had been faintly present since Mars, but it had gotten a bit more uncomfortable to handle since he had joined the post-war Normandy.

"Liara really likes him, see," Kaidan lied, hoping that Cortez wouldn't pick up on it. "And since we've become really good friends, she comes to me for advice." Kaidan added a hesitating emphasis to the last word and glanced over at Cortez. Cortez looked at him curiously for a moment, and Kaidan forced himself to hold his gaze.

"Honestly," Cortez sighed and leaned against a crate, somewhat exasperated at the question. "He's pretty damned attractive. Couldn't you get that from Liara though?" Cortez turned his questioning eyes back up at Kaidan.

"Not if she's the one I need to be talking about," Kaidan said with an oddly high-pitched laugh.

"Okay, well if she asks again, tell her that Steve has never known anyone hotter than Shepard." Cortez's expression was unreadable, and Kaidan turned back to his set of supplies, reddening slightly.

"Good to know," he muttered, out of reach of Cortez's hearing.

They worked quietly into the evening, James hauling in crates periodically. It had stopped raining awhile ago and Kaidan lifted the corner of his mouth, drinking in the London sunset. Kaidan heard the telltale scraping of the metal garage closing and he glanced behind him at the noise.

James came in, dirty and exhausted, hauling what Kaidan presumed was the last crate. A huge smile was etched on his face despite his appearance.

"Tomorrow morning," he said, looking eagerly between Kaidan and Cortez. When neither of them said anything, Kaidan took a step towards James and crossed his arms.

"What about it?"

"Shepard's getting away from the council tomorrow morning." Kaidan didn't seem to get it and James huffed at him in annoyance. "We're going to Birmingham tomorrow!" he yelled, his face lit up in excitement.

Kaidan's mind slowly processed the information about Shepard needing extra supplies and Cortez's news about raider camps. He eventually dawned on the conclusion and returned James' enthusiasm.

"Hurry up and get this stuff sorted," James said, jogging over to the half-finished stacks of crates. "I need to get ready for tomorrow."

Kaidan sniggered at Vega's childish eagerness, but he too was excited for tomorrow. It was the first time they were going to fight as a team again – he, Vega, and Shepard – and Kaidan worked double time to get the job done early. Throughout their work Vega talked over new tactics with Kaidan, making it seem like they were going to be fighting their way all the way to the city.

"Did I tell you?" Vega said as they rummaged through one of the last crates, the moon beginning to poke through the clouds. "I made N7." James tried to act nonchalant about it but Kaidan could tell he was actually really proud of himself.

"That's awesome, James!" Kaidan said, surprised and pleased by the news.

"Yeah, that's part of the reason I'm going with you guys to Rannoch. Shepard wants to train with me, teach me some of the things he's learned over the years."

"Wow, one on one training with the Commander," Kaidan said, impressed.

"I'm kind of freaking out though," James said seriously as he grabbed at a container of palladium. "I have no idea what he's going to do to me."

Kaidan laughed loudly, delighted to have his teammate back. They talked late into the night, mostly about the non-confidential aspects of N7 training.

He walked back to his car, the rain slowly returning, and shot off a fake pistol with his hands. Oh yes, he was looking forward to tomorrow.

**A/N: Sorry **_**again**_** about the late update, I was crazy sick this week and had a bout of writer's block. This chapter was mostly intended to more clearly define Shepard, introduce James and Cortez (who will be in the next chapter), and hint at some of Kaidan's issues with Shepard. Let me know how I did (I'm concerned it may have been rushed)!**

**P.S. If I don't update for awhile don't freak out, I'm very dedicated to this story and will do my best to finish it to the end (even though it's a LONG way from that). **


	6. Teambuilding

**A/N: So I've decided to make Shepard be able to speak French. Let's just assume that it won't be dead by now and that one of his parents was French (Mindoir, you know?). I don't know if I'll use it this chapter but be on the lookout. And remember, they both don't know that they like each other… yet ;)**

Chapter 6

Teambuilding

"It's one o'clock," Shepard said and stood abruptly, gathering his things off the table. Without another word he left the room, not daring to look behind him. He sniggered slightly as the door closed, imagining the look on the Council's faces at his departure. He had told them one o'clock, they should've taken him seriously.

Shepard let out a long sigh and rubbed his eyes, carefully maneuvering around the cramped hallway. A woman bumped into him and knocked the datapad out of his hands, her face hidden behind a large stack of papers. She seemed to not notice him and Shepard simply smiled, continuing through the hallway without retrieving his datapad. He was finally free. He sped up, wanting nothing else than to get out of the building.

The last twenty-nine hours of his life was dedicated entirely to the council. Nothing but meeting after meeting, discussing the Krogan and trying to make allies if the conflict turned into full out war. Shepard had made it very clear that today was his last day, and that he was going to Rannoch whether the council wanted him to or not. He knew they wouldn't take away his Spectre status no matter what he did, and he laughed out loud at his influence over the council.

"Saving the galaxy has its perks," Shepard said out loud, causing a few people to stare curiously at him, as though just realizing who he was. Now that he was out of the Citadel and into the public eye, he was starting to feel more and more like a celebrity. At times like this – when he was walking through the hallways – more than a couple people approached him for autographs. He didn't mind the soldiers looking up to him, but it had morphed into hero worship since he ended the war.

Shepard went into a partial jog as people began to approach him, and he only had to do some careful shoving before he was out into the London air. It wasn't raining today, and surprisingly enough the sun was poking through the clouds.

He had told James to meet him by the Normandy, mainly so he could change into his armor and reassess their trip. Shepard chose to walk by the Thames on his way to the ship. The water was getting clearer by the day, the blackness of war being washed away with the promise of a new future. He dipped a hand in and it came away wet, tinged just slightly with the colored hues of oil.

His omnitool beeped at him as Shepard walked across a small bridge, the Normandy already in view. The Council approved of him going to Rannoch after all. He would check the rest of the message later, he decided, as he saw James eagerly waving at him from the ship's airlock.

Shepard clasped the marine's arm tightly, glaring at him. "I see you haven't gotten yourself killed yet, Vega," Shepard said, a hint of a growl accenting his voice.

"You look terrible," Vega said seriously, sliding out of Shepard's handshake and crossing his arms over his chest. His eyes raked over Shepard's wilting eyes and shot up in concern when he noticed him favoring his left side. "I thought you had a limp…" Vega said, frowning. "What did you do this time, Loco?"

"Reconnaissance," Shepard said, grinning slightly as James exhaled.

"Yeah we'll be doing some of that today too. You sure you're up for the trip, Shepard?"

"I was wondering the same thing," an all too familiar voice spoke up from behind Vega. Kaidan emerged from the Normandy's airlock, equipped with his usual blue armor and a helmet dangling loosely from his hand.

Shepard's heart jolted from his sudden appearance and he turned away, steeling himself. Before he had time to set up his usual emotional barriers, Kaidan had a hand on his shoulder. He willed himself to keep avoiding his eyes, but Kaidan put a hand on his chin and turned Shepard's face up to his.

For one terrifying moment, their eyes locked. Shepard melted in Kaidan's concerned stare, and for a single second he wanted nothing more than to lean forward and kiss him. Before he could correct himself, Shepard felt a sudden pressure on his injured side and cried out, breaking the contact.

"I knew it," Kaidan said and huffed at him, not seeming to notice anything odd about Shepard's behavior. "What are you doing, Shepard?" Kaidan's tone was reprimanding, and Shepard glowered back at him.

"I'm fine, Alenko," Shepard snapped, the use of his surname putting some control back into Shepard's tired mind.

"Yeah? You don't look fine."

"Not when you punch me in the stomach," he growled. "I didn't know _you_ were coming." In all honesty, he thought that Kaidan would be gone by now, that maybe he would stay in London awhile and help with rebuilding.

"I think you need the help." Shepard returned his icy stare but a twinge to his side shot down his pride. Kaidan noticed Shepard cringe and nodded solemnly, his face softening. "You had better get suited up."

Shepard came back outside to see Kaidan and Vega hunched over a couple of guns, loading them and talking quietly. Shepard heard his name come up and he cleared his throat behind them, not wanting to eavesdrop on their conversation.

They stood immediately and saluted him, forcing Shepard to come over and remove their hands from attention. "I guess you've forgotten I don't like you doing that," Shepard said calmly, his eyes lingering on Vega's guilty posture.

"Just a habit," they both said, slightly out of synch. Shepard smiled widely at the pair of them, trying to express his gratitude to the best of his ability. After being surrounded by politicians and generals, their company was well received.

"So what are we doing, Shepard?" Kaidan asked innocently. "Vega doesn't really know either."

Shepard sat on the ground and motioned for his squad to follow suit. He pulled out a small holographic map and projected its image into the air. "Sorry I didn't mention it before," Shepard quickly apologized, his hands searching idly over the map. "We're going to an abandoned research center on the outskirts of Birmingham." He nodded at Vega.

"From what I've gathered from the council, Rannoch is surrounded by Krogan warships. It's mostly to prevent the Migrant Fleet from entering the atmosphere, but it's doing a damn good job of keeping other things out too."

Kaidan frowned from across him. "Like us."

"Exactly," Shepard replied, his eyes lingering ever so slightly on his pursed lips. "This research facility is known to contain a prototype stealth system designed specifically for Alliance vessels. I plan on taking it."

"When you say prototype…" Vega said, absentmindedly running his thumbs over the barrel of his rifle.

"EDI speculates that it will work for the Normandy, and that the ship's systems will boost the chance of that happening."

Vega nodded eagerly. "So we just run in with Cortez and grab it?"

Shepard shook his head at the Lieutenant's foolishness. Even though he was N7 now, he still chose enthusiasm over brains. It could easily lead to a tendency to kill first and ask questions later, and Shepard made a mental note to beat it out of him when they started training together.

"It's not quite that simple," Shepard said lightly as Kaidan rolled his eyes. He finally found the image he was looking for and zoomed in, focusing on a square building. "See these red patches? I'm pretty sure that those are raider camps. The labs are stocked with medical equipment and other supplies, a treasure trove for any outlander."

"But Cortez is getting the shuttle ready," Kaidan said, gesturing at the pilot. He was making modifications to the light craft by the Normandy's left wing, and waved genially at them when Shepard glanced over his shoulder.

"He's taking us about two miles west of the base; it should be enough to keep us out of sight but within walking distance." Shepard pointed to the map and a green marker appeared against his finger. "That's where were landing. Only one group of raiders and we're inside."

"Yo Estaban, you ready yet?" Vega yelled across the landing area.

Shepard smirked just barely and stood, gathering up the map as he did. As soon as Vega joined him, Shepard lashed out and caught the marine with a heavy blow to the jaw. James reeled at the contact and nearly fell over, his face contorted with rage and shock. Willing himself not to wring his hand in pain, Shepard glared at the Lieutenant.

"Excitement is welcome, impatience gets you killed." Vega bit back his retort and wiped at the corner of his mouth. "First lesson," Shepard said, smiling impishly.

"So you just punch me every time I do something wrong?" James whined, his voice sounding both pouty and affronted.

"It could be worse," Shepard said threateningly as he walked away, his right hand glowing blue. Kaidan was sniggering slightly in front of him and Shepard glanced back at Vega, who had turned a pale shade of green.

"I'm so boned," he mouthed, his eyes glazing over.

Shepard and Kaidan burst into laughter and James snapped out of it, joining in with them. His shaky laugh indicated that he was still quite afraid, but Shepard gripped his shoulder tightly as they walked towards the shuttle. "I'm only joking about the biotics, you know."

"Thank god."

"I'm saving them for your _real_ training." Shepard caught Kaidan's eye again and grinned. He wasn't kidding.

By the time Cortez was done prepping the shuttle the sun had begun to dip over the horizon, casting a pale orange light over the clouds. The crew trooped into the undersized aircraft and Cortez fired the engines. Before long, London's ruin had receded into the distance.

Shepard nudged Kaidan with his boot to catch his attention. "Not to make it seem like I don't want you here, but why are you coming on this mission? I was assuming you were going to stay in London; maybe go out on some of your own Spectre missions."

"You don't expect me to come back to the Normandy," Kaidan said, his eyes widening with the realization. Shepard looked at knees.

"I thought that after the war we would…" Shepard hesitated.

"Go our separate ways?"

"Yeah," Shepard said, a trace of hurt in his voice. He looked back up at Kaidan and saw him staring oddly at Shepard.

"For one thing, Tali needs our help. For another…" Kaidan avoided his eyes, turning his stare on the empty seat opposite him. "I go where you go." It was almost a whisper. Shepard took a long look at Kaidan – who was still resolutely avoiding him – and saw that he was explicitly serious.

Shepard wasn't sure how to take Kaidan's sudden statement. It felt almost as though he was confessing something; that he couldn't hold it in any longer. Almost as if he wanted it to slip out.

Shepard went back to his prefight vigil, mulling over what had happened. He decided that it was worth testing.

Cortez gave the signal a few minutes later and the three squad members dropped out of the shuttle. They quickly set off toward the outskirts of Birmingham, the roar of the shuttle's engines slowly fading.

"_I'll be right here if you need me Commander," _Cortez's voice sounded in his ear.

Shepard fell into step in his usual place, looking back at Kaidan and Vega periodically. Kaidan was gazing into the distance, lost in thought. Vega, on the other hand, was constantly edging forward, threatening to overtake his lead. Shepard clenched his teeth and stopped suddenly, causing Vega to crash into him. Shepard turned around slowly, his face completely relaxed, and looked Vega right in the eye.

"What are you doing?" Shepard asked, nonchalant.

"Sorry sir," Vega said with a salute.

"What are you doing," Shepard repeated. It was no longer a question. Vega rubbed the back of his neck, obviously perturbed by his commander's blank stare.

"I thought N7 would've changed you, James." The Lieutenant stared at the grass. A breeze swept though the field, rustling the yellow-green stalks. "Good thing it didn't."

With that, Shepard ran back ahead, the sun finally dipping below the horizon. Vega stayed in line behind him, the confused look on his face slowly shifting to the old grin he used to wear. _Good to have you back, Lieutenant James Vega._

* * *

The stars twinkled feebly overhead, the night overcast with the smoke still rising from Birmingham. The squad was splayed out behind a rocky hill, the research facility looming metallically in front of them. As Shepard had planned, a group of men were standing post in front of a back door, each of them holding formidable rifles.

"Ok," Shepard said, turning onto his back and cracking his knuckles. "There are only six of them, so I'll just pop in there and-," Kaidan cut him off by hitting him in his injury again. Even under the armor he was wearing, the wound still flashed with pain.

"Son of a bitch, Kaidan," Shepard snarled. "Stop doing that!" Kaidan looked at him contemptuously.

"You seriously think you're going to charge in there?"

"Like I always do, yes."

"You don't think I noticed you flinch every time you ran a little too fast?"

"Charging biotically and running are two very different things, Kaidan."

"Yeah, one of them gets you killed."

"You wouldn't know. You've never done it before."

They glared at each other, neither of them daring to blink. Kaidan's stubbornness impressed Shepard. Had he always been this concerned for him? Shepard suddenly remembered the night he died – the first time – and realized that Kaidan wore the same face that he did back then. Anger mixed with worry.

"You're right Kaidan," Shepard said, his glare softening. "Sorry," he added under his breath as Kaidan turned away. The word held more weight than he thought it would. He saw James looking on with a mystified expression, but the marine chose not to comment. As Kaidan and James went to take down the sentries, he wondered what it all meant.

Shepard was infuriated that he couldn't do anything in his… condition. The sound of gunfire and pulsating biotics had his blood boiling, but he made himself lay in the grass, unmoving.

After a few minutes the mixed groans of the men ceased, and Shepard chanced a glance over the hillock. James and Kaidan were crouching over one of the dead guards, and Shepard rolled himself onto his stomach to push himself up.

"Shepard, you had better take a look at this," Kaidan said when Shepard walked over to them. Shepard's eyes followed the angle of Kaidan's index finger, coming to rest on a set of black and orange armor. A diamond crest flanked by two symmetrical arms was set into the man's shoulder.

"Cerberus," Shepard cursed.

"Shepard," Kaidan said warningly, as his Commander began to blaze blue. "The Illusive Man is dead, you killed him yourself."

"Then what are they doing here?" James said, nudging the dead soldier with his foot. Shepard ignored him.

"They killed Anderson, they killed Thane, they killed thousands of innocent people."

"_They _don't exist anymore," Kaidan said, letting a hint of doubt escape from his mouth. Shepard stared at Kaidan then stared at the door.

"I'm going in there." For once, Kaidan didn't object. Shepard stalked over to the door and crossed his arms, trying to calm himself before he did something stupid. The Illusive Man was dead and Cerberus disbanded after the war. They had no reason to start up again; humans were one of the top species in the reconstruction effort.

"Why are they _here_," Shepard grumbled audibly. He flared blue again and kicked down the door. The inside of the building was shrouded in darkness, with a few dim lights pulsating in the distance. They appeared to be in a large storage space, piles of crates lining the walls and crisscrossing though the room. A long hall of crates was stacked before him, and Shepard signaled Vega to take point, keeping Kaidan behind him. As much as he loathed admitting it, he was the weakest link in the party at the moment.

Shepard cranked up his motion sensors to their peak and crept along silently, checking the ceiling every once and awhile. Shepard glanced back at Kaidan to see how he was doing, and he was puzzled to see him looking at Shepard's back rather than the corridor behind them. Kaidan turned away immediately at Shepard's inquiry, a flush creeping unbidden up his neck. Was he…

_No, he definitely wasn't,_ Shepard told himself. Still, he had been noticing more and more odd behavior from the Major since he rejoined the Normandy. Shepard punched a crate as they walked along, the pain quickly shutting down his thoughts. He immediately regretted the action as an invasive clanging swept through the room.

Vega jumped about a foot in the air and whipped around, his assault rifle pushing against Shepard's neck.

"What the…" Vega trailed off, removing his rifle from his commander's throat. "Jesus, Loco, don't scare me like that." Shepard shoved by Vega and knelt on the ground, his ears straining. A solid line of red dots had appeared on his sensors.

"Genius," Shepard muttered to himself, cursing his sudden outburst. "They're coming." Shepard gestured to a gap between the crates on both sides of him. "Split up, try your best to stay hidden. If you can't, be ready."

"Let's party," Vega grunted, ducking to his left.

"Be careful," Kaidan said with an awkward pat on his arm. He withdrew it immediately, a slight color accenting his face through the gloom. Shepard would sort out Kaidan's weirdness later; he had some Cerberus soldiers to kill.

A few seconds later, an armed battalion of Cerberus infantry filled the hallway, their flashlights reflecting off the metal containers.

"I swear I heard something," a soldier near the back of the group said, his voice muffled through his helmet.

"Spread out, check the ceiling." They filed through the boxes, guns raised and boots clicking metallically on the floor. Shepard was crouched on a crate two rows to the left of the soldiers. His side burned, and for once in his life he hoped that he wouldn't have to fight Cerberus.

A battle-crazed yell sounded throughout the storage bay. Shepard gritted his teeth.

"You never were the subtle type, Vega," he mumbled. He was doing a good job of luring the enemy away from him, though. Shepard jumped down from the crates and landed lightly, only a small wave of pain echoing his dismount. He saw Kaidan running ahead of him and followed silently, keeping pace with the Major despite his injury.

Shepard glanced down at the Predator in his hand and sighed. The gun felt so alien to him; he hated having either one of his hands preoccupied.

A stray soldier suddenly emerged from around the corner and Shepard charged immediately. Before even a second had passed the soldier was dead, his chest cavity ravaged by Shepard's (regrettably) left hand.

Shepard exhaled, feeling the energy course around him. Surprisingly his injury wasn't acting up too badly, even though he had flung himself nearly 50 feet down the aisle. Kaidan looked wide-eyed from where Shepard had left him, but he wasn't sure if it was in awe or concern.

He trotted back down the corridor, his biotics fading. When he stopped at Kaidan's side, he was shaking his head, baffled.

"James is right," Kaidan said, his eyes piercing into Shepard. "You are crazy."

Shepard grinned. Their relationship had definitely reached the point of friendship again. "Did you forget?" Shepard said playfully, punching Kaidan on the arm.

"Watch it, Shepard; don't kill me with those things."

"Flattering." They laughed in contentment for awhile, Shepard's eyes never leaving Kaidan's. _It's actually working,_ he thought. Another cacophony of gunfire came from over the crates and shook them out of their reprieve.

Kaidan looked over Shepard again, gaze lingering over his injured side. Their eyes locked, and Kaidan nodded before turning and sprinting towards the noise. Shepard followed him as fast as he could, deciding to split up when they met another wall of crates. The fight sounded like it was just on the other side, and flanking the soldiers would be the easiest way to take them down. Kaidan threw him a mocking salute and jogged away, leaving Shepard standing in the hallway. He stood there for a moment, grinning stupidly, before shaking himself and heading around the other corner.

Vega was holed up behind a wall of crates he had knocked over, every once and awhile popping up to shoot at the brigade. Kaidan had distracted a few of them, his biotics flaring while the soldiers hung suspended in the air. He normally would've charged into their midst and hammered them to bits – there were only eight of them left – but he looked down at his side, Kaidan's concerned face swimming in front of him.

Shepard gritted his teeth and dragged a crate out of the wall, upending it in the hallway. "This is so inefficient," Shepard grumbled, taking a couple of pot shots at the Cerberus troops. His aim was impeccable – it had to be for N7 – but still the slow pace of the fight was getting on his nerves.

When there were only a couple more of them left, Shepard let loose a contained shockwave, tripping up the soldiers so that Vega and Kaidan could finish them off. The two of them rushed in, bullets flying, until all but one soldier remained. The man panicked, throwing his gun into the air as he ran wildly away from them. Shepard grinned mischievously.

Tucking his gun into his belt, Shepard oriented himself in the hallway, lining himself up with the fleeing soldier. He crossed one leg across the other, letting his right toe dig into the floor. With one final gesture, Shepard put a hand out, as if he were going to lean up against the wall. Just as the man ran by Kaidan, Shepard charged.

He hit the Cerberus operative hard in the face with his outstretched hand, coming to rest mere inches away from Kaidan. Looking as relaxed about it as possible, Shepard smirked up at him.

"You forgot," Shepard said casually, watching carefully as Kaidan turned scarlet at the words. He mumbled incoherently for a moment, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Yeah," he finally managed to get out, breathless.

Satisfied with Kaidan's reaction, Shepard turned to look at Vega, who was unearthing himself from his crate barricade. He was dirty but unharmed, and Shepard felt a surge of pride.

"Not bad, Vega."

"It wasn't too hard," he said, but Shepard could tell that he was pleased with himself. Kaidan seemed to finally regain his senses and walked over to them, slinging his rifle over his back.

"Doesn't look like any more are coming," he said, a trace of color lingering on his cheeks. Shepard checked his omnitool and nodded, the motion sensor was clear.

"Might as well keep going," James added. "These crates are empty; I noticed when I knocked them over."

"Cerberus and an empty warehouse," Shepard mused, examining a dead soldier's face. The man had a hole in his helmet where Shepard had shot him. Cerberus had been experimenting with Reaper technology, and Shepard was relieved when no trace of the machines could be seen on his face. Still, he kicked the corpse onto its stomach, the old rage boiling in his stomach.

"You're right, let's go."

The three of them quickly ran through the warehouse, stopping every so often to check the sensors. Finally, they found a large door, Kaidan confirming that it was the only one in the warehouse (besides the one they entered in). Shepard went point and hacked the door, his omnitool lighting up his face in orange.

"Ready?"

"Ready." Shepard eased the door open.

"Commander Shepard," a haughty woman's voice echoed in the darkness. "I didn't think I'd find you here."

**A/N: I think the next chapter will still be in Shepard's perspective, because there's a specific reason I want Kaidan in chapter 8. Sorry, no French (yet). **

**Sorry craftygamerchic but I'm going camping this weekend and wanted the chapter to be posted. Errors be damned!**


End file.
